I'm going to start with the disclaimer that I'm feeling every ounce of pregnancy hormones. But despite my extreme emotions, I feel that maybe writing this all out will make me feel a little more clear-minded about things. Soooo ...
Right now I'm hating the way I feel. I have no idea how I'm going to go back to work tomorrow, after 10 days off and almost 3,000 miles traveled with a toddler, and be functional. I've felt more sick in the last two days than I have in the last two weeks. I feel restless and aimless - I have a ton of stuff I need/want to do, yet I found myself stuck on the couch last night because I felt the motivation to do none of it, and I felt the overwhelming need to rest because I could.
We went grocery shopping yesterday, and I'm not quite sure how I handled it without gagging. We didn't spend much, because I didn't meal plan and have no idea if/what I will be cooking this week. I've apologized to Elle already for all of the crappy meals and moods she'll get from me in the coming weeks, and I almost cried as I did so. It's hard to prepare healthy food when you're hungry for nothing, though, you know? Or convince your kid to finish her banana as you desperately try to chew and keep down whatever handful of cereal or half Pop Tart you think might simultaneously help your stomach feel better and not reappear in the next 60 minutes.
So then for the next several hours I dozed on the couch (although in my self-defense, we had driven through the night from Ohio to Florida the night before and I had not slept well). I was also less-than-stellar about my water intake on the trip, especially at the end, and my belly has let me know that this is not acceptable. Now, several forced glasses of water and 10 hours of sleep later, I still have no better idea of how I'm going to ready our house for a week-long visitor, take the walk I desperately need and want or finish emptying the suitcases or doing laundry from the trip. I have absolutely no energy. I have 30 times the mom/wife/person-guilt I usually have. I want my mommy. I'm upset that I'm going back to work, terrified of getting sick at work and sad that we're not in Ohio visiting our families and friends. Even though every minute of our trip was spent battling unfamiliar, intense (thanks, pregnancy) smells and trying to eat and rest whenever I could. Also, did I mention that Elle slept terribly (by her standards, and I understand that we're extremely fortunate to have a child who normally sleeps through the night without fail) and woke up at least once every night except one and also pooped one night and woke up puking another night? And that (understandably) she doesn't sleep super great when it's colder than she's used to, she's in the uncomfortable Pack N Play, she's in the same room as us and/or in unfamiliar settings? Oh, or is asked to sleep in the car? But I digress.
I keep trying to remind myself that I'm growing a human and need to acknowledge that I can't do everything else right now. I try to remember that I'll get energy and appetite back and will not feel like this forever. But it's kind of hard to remind yourself of that when the majority of the world doesn't know your "secret" and you feel like crap and are overwhelmed and emotional ... sigh. I had conveniently forgotten about this part of pregnancy ... or maybe I was just delusional and thought that it would be better the second time around. My "reasonable" thoughts are overrun by the questions of the months to come, hopes for a move to a place with more space that will help alleviate some of the issues swirling around in my head and guilt for not having energy to get much in to the Christmas spirit, among other things keeping me up at night.
Pregnancy, I both love and loathe you. And I'll be much, much happier when this phase is over.
written 12.4.12 (FYI - I came to my senses and decided not to make the Christmas cards. Snapfish photo card deal FTW! Maybe I'll make them from scratch next year ... or not.)
I think I may be crazy. I was just reading one of those pregnancy apps - the "What's your baby doing?" type of thing - and it mentioned pregnancy hormones the second time around. As in, you might go from euphoria to "what the hell was I thinking?!" in 2 seconds flat (been there, done that, blogged about it). I tend to circle back occasionally to the "how are we going to do this?!" thought. It's not pretty. There's time, energy and money to be concerned about. Not love - I know we have plenty of it. Patience is often
I try not to think about it too much right now. It's been done for eons and have been done by people in far worse situations and positions than I, and life has - and will - go on.
But back to why I'm crazy right now (aside from the fact that I apparently can't keep a train of thought alive to save my life). I'm making our Christmas cards this year. I'm not pumped to pay a ton of money for a photo card. And I have a ton of envelopes left over from miscellaneous wedding/shower invitations that I've designed over the last few years, so I thought it might be a good time to try to use some of those and put together a simple, personal card. I found some really cute designs that will work well with the supplies I have or have easy access to, and I am hoping to just enclose a recent family photo in each card.
But now that I'm thinking about how much work will go in to a "simple" card, I'm ready to kick myself.
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