Breastfeeding, round II

Going in to my second pregnancy, I had no doubt that I would breastfeed. I knew it might not be easy, but I'm stubborn and figured I'd hope for the best. I decided I'd aim for the one-year mark again and hoped to follow a course similar to my breastfeeding journey with Elle.

Within days of Wesley's birth, however, I wondered if I was putting too much pressure on myself (it would not be the first time, and I'll admit right now that breastfeeding Elle for 13 months is a huge source of pride for me - I was definitely holding myself to those same standards with Wesley). Between hormones and early latch issues, the first few weeks of his life included several moments of questioning my initial goals and receiving carefully worded "permission" from my OB to give up my assumption that Wesley would receive breast milk only for the first 12 months of his life. My OB stressed the benefits that just six weeks of exclusive nursing provided to both Wesley and I. Tim and I discussed the options. And I decided to continue nursing, with a mini-goal of three months, then four months, on my horizon. (FYI: It's much easier to think about pumping for a few months rather than put a heavy "YEAR" expectation on yourself.)

Nursing Wesley has definitely gotten easier with time. At first, his initially stellar latch turned to a shallow, painful latch that had me wincing with every feeding. After my milk came in, though, it got better and continued to improve. By the time he was about a month old, I wasn't experiencing pain every time he ate, and his growth indicated that he was definitely getting enough milk.

"When's dinner, Ma?"

At about that same time, we introduced the bottle, which meant that I started pumping again. During those first few weeks, I pumped once, during the morning, on days that I had time to fit a pumping session in between his meals. It took two or three tries, but he eventually took to the bottle with no problem, and we established a good idea of how much he needed in each bottle (3-4 ounces at the time, which is now a definitive 4-preferably-4.5 ounces). I was able to freeze a small amount of milk, and when I returned to work, I planned to nurse whenever possible, pumping twice while at the office and pray that I could keep up with his demands.

Things in general are waaayyyy different this time around. When I was nursing Elle, I left for work around 3 p.m. and returned home around 1 a.m. I was lucky to be able to actually nurse her for almost every feeding except usually two, which meant I only needed to leave two bottles. I ended up with more frozen milk than I needed, and I was able to donate more than 400 ounces to other mothers in need of breast milk for their little ones. I pumped twice a day - once during my shift and once on my drive home (yes, I had quite a hook up that allowed me to pump hands-free while I drove safely, haha).

This recent photo of Elle is just to show that she's a stellar eater.

This time, I leave for work by 8 a.m. and leave at 5 p.m. I miss 3-4 feedings, so I'm trying to supply 3-4 bottles on any given day. While my supply is decent, it's still a challenge to keep up with demand. I take two pump breaks, usually one around 10:30 and the other around 2:30 p.m. Initially, I was getting just enough to keep up with Wesley's needs. But now I'm definitely short and almost always need another pump session before I go to bed to make sure he has enough for the next day. I try to freeze any extra milk that I have, but for the last several weeks, there hasn't been any extra to speak of. Things at work are getting busier, and it's getting harder for me to take the breaks - it's stressing me out to try to make sure I "schedule" them in.

I know I complained about my "pumping prison" when I nursed Elle, but that was a much better situation than my current scenario. My company is much smaller, in both number of employees and physical space. There is no place for me to pump except my car. So twice a day, I haul my stuff out to the car, pump and bring it all back inside to stow in a crowded, public fridge.

The pumping is obviously the worst part of breastfeeding right now - very annoying, time consuming, mechanical. But the actual nursing is something I will always treasure. From cuddling in the morning to taking a few minutes to sit down with the kids after a long day at work, I am the food source, but it is such an emotional experience.

Wesley is a physical eater - when he's nursing or even taking a bottle, his hands are always moving. He sometimes scratches his head, sometimes strokes your arm or - my favorite - finds and holds your fingers. As a second child, he's sometimes had to wait for a meal - he often melts down as I'm getting Elle out of the bath and just. wants. his. milk. When Elle had those moments of wanting milk NOW and having to wait, she would nurse furiously, glaring at me as tears dried in the corners of her eyes. Her reaction then is definitely an early indication of her dynamic personality today. Wesley, on the other hand. sinks in to an instant state of relaxation and relief. His eyes look grateful as he nurses, thankful that his needs were finally met. He'll often nurse to sleep at this point, likely out of pure physical and emotional exhaustion. While I'm not pleased that he gets to that point while I'm attending to Elle's needs, the balancing act often peaks with his bedtime nursing session, and it's definitely a notable one for me.

I memorized little crinkles in his ear during our first nursing sessions. I've since seen those newborn marks fade. I've stroked his hair - first short and dark blond, now longer, fluffy and light - during our nursing sessions. I've observed over and over as he has latched in the dark and gone right back to sleep during the early morning meals. I've soothed him. I've been burped and farted on, covered in spit up and kicked, scratched and pinched. While not always pleasant, the nursing sessions have always been educational and memorable.  

The nursing gymnastics have begun.
Personal space is fair game.

For personal and medical reasons (mine, not Wesley's!), as of this week I'm cutting back on the pumping sessions. Since I won't be producing as much milk, we'll be supplementing with formula. We gave him his first bottle of formula today - a day after he turned six months old. I know "feeding your baby is feeding your baby," but it's been an extremely emotional decision for me. I'm pretty passionate about breastfeeding - I will defend your right to breastfeed, support your efforts in breastfeed, encourage you to continue breastfeeding. I will sympathize with you as you nurse a teething baby, nod my head understandingly as you relate the perils of nursing a distracted and energetic infant and know exactly what you mean when you say the only thing that seemed to comfort your baby was nursing ... and nursing ... and nursing. I have loved it (not every minute of it, haha, but overall!) and hope to continue nursing Wesley for at least a few more months.

The decision was mine to make, but it's been hard to come terms with for multiple reasons. Regardless of the emotion involved, I've been contemplating introducing formula for months. I was intimidated, too, having absolutely no experience with formula, and I grilled our pediatrician at Wesley's last appointment, going over all kinds of "formula newbie" questions with her to prepare for when the time would come. I finally decided to make it to six months with exclusive breastmilk for several reasons (including all of the benefits both he and I have gotten and will have), because I knew it was a milestone for benefits, I knew it was an attainable goal and I didn't want to wait too long to introduce formula for fear of him rejecting it. (Elle was such a breast milk baby that she never took to any other milk form, and while I don't think that was an awful thing, it definitely played a role in my thought process). It's the same reason we introduced a bottle with both kids within the first few weeks, and thankfully, after six months of breast milk only, the kid hesitantly took the formula. Tim said he wasn't too thrilled about it at first and slowly drank two ounces but then sucked down another two ounces fairly quickly. I can only hope that the next few days go as smoothly and he continues cooperating.

Bananas are pretty funny.

We're also introducing solids (via Baby Led Weaning) at the same time - last night he sat with us at the dinner table in the high chair for the first time and played with some banana with his tiny, chubby hands. He wasn't too interested in eating any actual banana pieces, but he seemed to like his banana-flavored thumbs. He's been extremely interested in our plates and food for the last month and a half, and I'm excited to see how things go as he explores new textures and flavors.

Weaning and milk snobbery

At 13 months and two days, we were done breastfeeding.

The last month, especially, was simple - Elle nursed in the morning, then usually once right before or after her morning nap. Since I'm not around most nights, she wasn't comfort-nursing at bedtime. About five or six weeks ago, she seemed to lose interest in the second nursing session of the day, and we were down to one. With the new job on the horizon, I realized that it wouldn't be fair to wake Elle up to nurse her and then leave, because then she'd be wide awake and ready to play with Daddy, who will still be working the night shift. With our next trip coming right before I started the new job, I didn't want to layer on levels of change and stress, so I wanted to start weaning Elle well ahead of time.

Cute photo that has nothing to do with milk.

The first day, I prepared a bottle of frozen breast milk and brought Elle and the bottle in to our bed. I expected Elle to fight and fuss, straining to nurse like she had for the last 13 months. Instead, she grabbed the bottle and gulped it down, rolling back and forth to look at Tim and I periodically. The second morning was the same. The third morning I got tricky and tried to sneak an ounce of almond milk in with four ounces of breast milk. REJECTED. The fourth morning was a return to straight breast milk, and the bottle didn't stand a chance.

A few days later, she had a bottle of breast milk that was a little more chilly than usual. That wasn't going to fly with her. A day or two after that, I tried a slightly warmed up version of coconut milk with her breakfast (I basically ran the bottle under hot water briefly). Again, no dice. This time, at least, she would take a sip, but then she'd make a horrible face and shake her head like she'd been subjected to drinking the worst thing imaginable.

The verdict? Baby loves her breast milk. Her warm breast milk. And that's about it.

"I will now eat breakfast. Sans milk. Get over it, people."

Our pediatrician isn't concerned about Elle's disinterest in non-breast milk, because she gets calcium from other sources, like cheese and yogurt, two things that she LOVES. I'm going to keep trying to introduce milk (we've tried cow's milk, soy milk, almond milk and coconut milk), but I'm not stressing over it. I don't really like milk, and neither does Tim. We're a milk-on-our-cereal-and-in-ourmy-coffee kind of couple. Elle loves sharing our cereal with us, too - not minding that milk one bit. Maybe some day Elle will start gulping down milk by the gallon. Until then, she's pretty happy with water and her other dairy products, so I'm cool with that, too. Generally, she's not a picky eater, but when she doesn't like something, she DOESN'T LIKE SOMETHING.

In many ways, weaning was sad. I didn't mind the natural course of weaning when we introduced solids (via baby-led weaning) and gradually dropped nursing sessions. But now that they're all gone? Elle and I no longer have that special experience together. It was something we'd done every day of her existence. Every morning (except two, when I ran in early-morning races), she would come in to our bed, and I would nurse her. It was such a deeply ingrained habit - it was my favorite part of the day, waking up with my loves and having Elle cuddle in, acting like she hadn't eaten in weeks. As we weaned, we still replicated the habitual part of that with the bottle - Elle came in to our bed and drank it while we cuddled with her, made her laugh, watched her reaction as the cats brushed against her and tickled her feet. But as far as not nursing goes, Elle was completely unfazed, which was both reassuring and upsetting. I realized I was glad she was so go-with-the-flow about it but I hadn't expected her to be SO go-with-the-flow :)

"Take me to your cheese and yogurt, please."

In some ways, though, weaning was satisfying. I had met and exceeded my breastfeeding goals, and I know that Elle is thriving and flourishing. I packed away my nursing covers, bras and tanks and was not at all sad, trust me. I am so thankful for being able to breastfeed for so long and especially grateful that we didn't have any major obstacles. I love that her first signs were "milk," "more" and "eat." I am appreciative for all of the support I received - from my husband, family, friends, my breastfeeding support group and other mommies. I know it would have been a lot harder if I hadn't had such an amazing support system. Elle is independent in so many ways, and we still have plenty of bonding/cuddle time. She took a bottle of frozen breast milk in the morning up until the morning we left for Ohio (conveniently, that's when my frozen stash was gone), and now that we're back, Elle and Daddy can start their new routine.

Free at last

On Tuesday night, I got home from work and put my pumped breast milk in the fridge. I washed my pump parts and unpacked the remnants of my lunch. 

On Wednesday, I said goodbye to Elle, picked up my lunch bag and purse and walked out the door.

I got to work and went straight to my desk.

I left the building on my dinner break for only the fourth time since returning from maternity leave in mid October. The first three times I had ventured out were for job candidate dinner interviews. This time, I went to Pier 1 to see if my local store had something my sister hadn't been able to locate at her local store.

When I left work that night, I walked down three flights of stairs and out the front door.

I went home, unpacked my lunch bag and sat down on the couch with my husband to talk about our days.

Why is any of this important?

Because I didn't take my breast pump to work on Wednesday. Or any day since then.

Since I wasn't pumping during a break from work, I could go run an errand. I could bypass the nursing mother's room on my way in and out of the office. I could go straight home and not have to mess with any milk or pump parts.

The pump is history. I have a freezer stash, but Elle is drinking a lot less breast milk these days, and I'm still nursing her when I'm with her. Being pump-less is ridiculously liberating. I mean, I know it was important in keeping up my supply and providing Elle with breast milk for her first year, but I couldn't take another day. I realized I didn't have to. And now I don't have to complain about it on the blog anymore, so it's win-win for everyone :)

And in the interest of including a photo with this post, I share this funny notepad I spotted at Pier 1: 

National Breastfeeding Week/Month

It's Breastfeeding Awareness Month! Actually, it's currently the last day of Breastfeeding Awareness Week as I'm writing this, and while I had intended to write up a recap on my breastfeeding experience after Elle had weaned, I figured I'd make it more timely and throw it up now.

There was never any question for me: I wanted to breastfeed. I find it fascinating that for so long, it wasn't encouraged, there was a stigma against it, that so few mamas were educated about it (and really, there is still a lot of misinformation and lack of support out there, which is sad). But all I knew is that I wanted my baby to have my breast milk, I wanted to save money by not buying formula, and as far as I knew, it would be a natural, easy, wonderful way to bond with my child. (Oh! And it would burn a bajillion calories a day!) In my mind, my breastfeeding experience would be rainbows and puppy dogs serene.

Alas, I was wrong.

I have several friends and friends-of-friends who are pregnant right now, and I am absolutely bowled over with happiness when I see breast pumps on their registries, find out they're signed up for or have taken breastfeeding classes or hear about their plans to breastfeed. I hope they find the support they need to make it work (and hope they know they can always ask me and I'll try to help them find an answer!) and relish the experience. It's not easy, but to me, it has been so, so worth it.

I've referenced this chart before, which breaks down the advantages of breastfeeding (for both mother and child), whether you breastfeed for just a few days or for a few years. I also wish I had seen this Web site 12-18 months earlier.

Even though the human body is designed to produce, deliver, receive, etc., breast milk, there's quite a learning curve for both mama and baby. And truth be told, I had it easy. Elle has a fantastic latch (we've even gotten compliments on it, which was all kinds of weird, but I digress). My milk came in when she was about three days old. She didn't have any allergy or avoidance issues (my sister-in-law has been on a gluten- and soy-free diet for about a year because my niece has an intolerance to them). By the time Elle was 2 or 3 months old, she had completely dropped a night-time feeding. I haven't dealt with any major supply issues. Over time, the length of her nursing sessions have decreased dramatically - she's become a much more efficient nurser.

But at first, it was exhausting. It's hard - but extremely gratifying - to be the one who is solely responsible for your little one's nutrition and to pass on important antibodies. Even when Elle started taking a bottle (once daily, around four weeks, to get her used to it), I still had to pump to keep my supply up. I sometimes felt like I was chained to a highly unpredictable feeding schedule - did I have an hour to run to the grocery store? What if she woke up while I was gone and needed to nurse? For a while, the best time for me to workout would have been early morning, but I was engorged (and therefore in pain if I so much as attempted any kind of cardio) until she woke up and nursed. I didn't want to pump and worry that there wouldn't be enough left to fill her.

Elle nursing when she was about four months old.
I love how she always put her hand on top of my breast
like she was trying to make sure I wasn't going anywhere.

I felt like I spent almost every waking moment of every day nursing her. She would nurse every 2-3 hours. But it would take 30-40 minutes for her to nurse. By the time she was done, it was almost time to start again. If we were planning on leaving the house, we had to carefully orchestrate a plan to nurse her before, during and after so as not to upset the tiny monster. At the time, it felt like it would last forever, and I honestly think those first 6-8 weeks were the absolute hardest in our nursing relationship. It would have been easy to quit. But I'm stubborn. I was told that it would get better. And it did.

Now it takes 5-15 minutes for Elle to nurse. She nurses 3-4 times a day. I can leave the house for hours at a time and not freak out that she'll have a meltdown about the missing milk. I'm very rarely engorged these days. Elle's so expressive now, too, in her need for breast milk, her desire for it and her enjoyment in it, that it takes a lot of guesswork out of things and makes it more rewarding. In short, it's a totally different world. It's awesome, and I would have missed out on it if I had stopped when it was really, really hard.

For me, nursing has been instinctual. Actually following my instincts has been more of a challenge, but basically, I had to stop thinking. Elle let me know when she was hungry, and I nursed her. She let me know when she was full, and we stopped. When she was going through growth spurts and needed my production to amp up, we nursed more often and my body got the signal to make more milk. I didn't worry about supplementing in the days before my milk came in - it's not necessary. She got colostrum and wasn't in danger of wasting away in the 72 hours before my milk arrived.

It can be so mental - stress can affect your supply. The baby can sense your tension. When I was stressed about not being able to pump very often at work, I received the sage advice of "Don't worry about the number of times you're able to pump. Just pump until you're completely empty when you can pump." Sickness can affect your supply. Lack of sleep can affect you. Bottomline, you need to take care of yourself when you're breast feeding. It's not a good time to diet. You need to drink a lot of water. And yes, you have to be mindful of how much caffeine or alcohol you take in (lucky for me, Elle isn't particularly sensitive to caffeine in my milk, so I don't have to worry about it much). You're even MORE limited in what kinds of medications you can and can't take than you are in pregnancy. Elle hasn't been sick aside from a sniffle or two all year (knock on wood), but I have had a few serious colds, and it has SUCKED to not be able to take anything for it. But it didn't last, and I lived.

I love that Elle will still occasionally nurse to sleep. I love being able to lull her to sleep on a plane. I love the expressions she makes. I love the way she'll start to laugh while nursing. I love how insistent and demanding she can be. I love the group of women (both in real life and in the blogging community) that I have met through the shared bond of breastfeeding. I love how Elle knows how to sign for milk. I love that we share this bond.

Originally, I wanted to make it to six months of exclusive breastfeeding. I didn't know how things would go when I returned to work and had to pump several times. I didn't know how things would go after we introduced solids. When we reached the six month milestone, I briefly thought I would shoot for nine months. But then I figured why bother stopping at nine months if things were still going well - I would have to worry about transitioning her to formula and spend the extra money for just a few months. So I set the new goal for one year. And now that we've reached that goal, I'm just going to let things ride out. My biggest focus now is eliminating my last pumping session. I enjoy nursing Elle first thing in the morning, and I think she'll phase out the mid-day feeding(s) soon, so for now, I'm just going to take my cues from her.

It's actually kind of sad now that I know we're nearing the end. I keep wondering how many more days she'll curl in my lap and dive bomb at my chest, or how many more times she'll crawl over to me in bed and claw at my shirt. I'm ecstatic that we've made it a far as we have and will treasure the moments - no matter how trying or frustrating they might have been at times - forever.

My Pumping Prison

I've mentioned before how much I hate pumping. And every time I think that, I remind myself of the Super Women Exclusive Pumpers who pump many more times a day just so that their babies can have their breast milk, and I tell myself to suck it up and stop whining.

But it occurred to me that I've never really shared much information about the dungeon in which I pump :)

I must say that I am extremely grateful that my workplace provides a specific area for nursing mothers to pump. Federal law requires all employers to allow nursing mothers to take unpaid breaks, and I *believe* Florida law requires any company with more than 50 employees to provide a place for breastfeeding mothers to nurse or pump.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed, including long after my maternity leave would end. I suddenly started looking at my workplace with new eyes. I looked for outlets, for tucked away conference rooms, for bathrooms that received little to no traffic. I feared that I would be stuck sitting in one of the bathrooms, pumping 2-3 times a shift.

A few months in to my pregnancy, I was talking to a friend in human resources about my short-term disability coverage and other specifics of my maternity leave. I mentioned something about planning to breastfeed and her eyes lit up. She asked if I knew about the nursing mother's room.

"The what?" I said.

She took me down a hallway and we ended in front of a door I'd never seen before. There was a sign:

And then she showed me the mini-fridge, the outlets, how the door locked, etc. And while it's nice to have the designated space to pump, I've had several problems:

1. It's ug-lay. This room has no personality, no charm, no warmth. It barely has cell phone reception.

You know you're jealous.

2. The arm chair is good for naps, but not for pumping. It tilts back too far to comfortably pump anything, so that leaves ...

3. The uncomfortable office chair.

4. The security guards (and some former staffers - former, because apparently they were caught) apparently use the room for naps. I found this out one afternoon when I opened the door and a big, burly security guard acted in surprise, saying he was taking a snooze between shifts. I said, "Sorry, but I need to use this room right now." I don't have anything against expectant moms using the room - goodness knows if I knew this room existed when I was in the throes of all day morning sickness, I would have retreated there myself - but I'm not a fan of people looking for a cushy chair parking themselves in there.

5. The room is on the deserted first floor. I work on the third floor, and I often feel like I'm being banished to the basement when I go pump.

There aren't a lot of women in my building who use the room - by my count, there have been three other women who have pumped during my (now 11!) months using the room. I work nights and weekends, and the other moms work Monday-Friday day shifts. I'm sure I could have livened the room up a bit - brought in some posters, fake flowers, air fresheners, lamps, etc. But I don't know what other people like/don't like. Maybe one of the other pumping mamas has a traumatic childhood memory of tulips. Or one of the mamas is sensitive to the smell of a plug-in air freshener? Best not to mess with the room, I decided.

I don't really have fond memories of this room. There have been at least two times when I knocked something over or a storage bag tipped, and I lost precious ounces of milk.

Sad face. Very, very sad face.

The first time this happened, my sister sent me a hilarious card, and it is so, so true:

I was lying awake in bed the other night and calculated the rest of my pumping days (that's how eager I am to be done with the pump). We're going on a trip in a few weeks, and I need to keep up my extra pumping session (the one I do on my way home from work during my work week to keep me from getting too engorged over night) until I have enough milk for 2-3 bottles while we're on the trip. Then I can drop that session. And when we come back to Florida right before (gasp!) Elle's first birthday, I will likely stop pumping at work, too - leaving only 2-3 nursing sessions a day for the foreseeable future. I'm not going to stop breastfeeding automatically at one year - but I not going to stay married to the pump.

My pumping sessions have sometimes brought a much-needed break from work, but it would be nice to not be a necessary break. I work at a newspaper, and the natural course of my shift ebbs and flows, but sometimes there is breaking news and I'm not able to get away to pump. This gets more common in the fall, with hectic football and baseball schedules, and lately I've been stressing about stepping away from my desk to pump. So pumping is not only a pain, it's going to become increasingly more difficult to do in the coming months. My work-time pumping gave me a chance to read books, clip coupons, cross-stitch and catch up on little stuff that I never stop long enough to finish at home, like thank you notes and grocery lists. But that was the only perk. I trek down three flights of stairs each day, lock myself in the window-less room and sit there for 20-30 minutes. On my way in to my office, I stop there and drop my pump off. On my way out of the office, I stop and pick up my pump, pump parts and refrigerated milk. (And let's not even get in to the pain that is the preparing of bottles, cleaning of pump parts and freezing of milk, because 'tis not fun.)

So while I'm glad that I've been able to pump and supply breast milk for Elle (and others!), I am counting down the days til I don't have to worry about it anymore. I have no idea how I've done it this long (except for the fact that I'm incredibly stubborn and kept thinking 'I've made it this far, I should just keep going'). It's been extremely important to me to breastfeed Elle for the first year of her life, but I would be lying if I said I didn't want to stop pumping ASAP.

I have mad respect for moms who exclusively pump - you women rock.And I hope your pumping set-up is a little cheerier than mine :)

Stowing away infancy

Our little girl is growing up. If I didn't notice how her long legs dangle out of the stroller on walks, or if I was oblivious to how she goes from crawling to sitting and spins around in two seconds flat, like she's been doing it all her life ... it's apparent in what *isn't* there.

We're in the middle of a significant baby gear transition. (The first of many, I'm sure.) Basically, a massive amount of baby stuff is about to invade our storage unit and join the newborn, 0-3, 3-6 and now a significant amount of 6-9 month clothes.  The Boppy, which was used several times a day during our early breastfeeding months, is now packed up. The need for the little plastic bath tub, which initially required the little newborn sling for our slippery young tot, is nearing the end. The infant car seat is about to be traded in for two convertible seats. The jumperoo is hardly used now, passing its peak time of use (for Elle, ages 4-7 months). The bouncy seat will join its cousin, Swing. The Bumbo hasn't been used in months.

Rockin' the sippy cup.

There are other signs that Elle's infanthood is quicky fading. The pacifiers are long gone. The nipples that have been worn out on bottles are getting thrown away and not replaced, because she's suddenly (thankfully!) embracing the sippy cup. I purchased a box of breast milk storage bags the other night and realized that they will almost definitely be the last I purchase for quite some time. I plan for a trip we're making this summer and realize it will be the last time I need to travel with the breast pump for the foreseeable future. Elle quickly figures out her new toys and is alllll about the cause-and-effect relationships: press this button, hear this song; pull this knob, watch these lights flash, etc. She's methodical and deliberate with what she plays with and how she plays with it.

The new annoying favorite toy in the house.

As Elle (rapidly) approaches the one-year mark, I've tried not to be sad about how fast time is going or how big she is getting. I miss certain parts of each age and stage but look forward to each new one even more. I've also preoccupied myself with the fact that she'll be one with the decision to stop pumping at that time. I'll continue to breastfeed her, but people, I hate, hate, hate pumping. That will be one thing I will not be sad about.

I have to admit, it's a bit emotional to pack away things that she's used for months. Things that might be used for a future sibling but will always have been Elle's first. I can remember how unsure she was of the jumperoo the first time we put her in it. How she was practically swallowed by the bouncy seat during her first days. How we tried four different kinds of sippy cups before she finally started to use one instead of just play with it.

But we've got new toys, new clothes, new gear, new car seats ... new adventures.

Got milk?

I try to be a generous person. What I don't have in time (because c'mon, I work full-time, have a 40-minute commute to and from work, take care of our household, try to have a life and spend time with my husband ... and oh yeah, I also work full-time for Elle, Inc.) and money (newsflash: journalists don't make a ton of dough), I try to give in sentiment. I feel very strongly about several things, so rather than donate or volunteer for every charity or cause under the sun (or ask my friends and family to donate to every charity and cause under the sun), I pick the ones that are closest to my heart.

I have donated some rather off-the-wall stuff in the last decade or so. In college, I chopped off 10 inches of my hair and donated to Locks of Love. Last year, I shipped my wedding dress to Brides Against Breast Cancer.

And now? I've donated breast milk.

Yeah, I know.

But hear me out.

I pump once while I'm at work and then once on the way home from work. (And when I first returned to work, I was pumping twice at work and once on the way home.) I usually produce enough for at least three bottles in those sessions, and Elle only needs 1-2 bottles while I'm at work. So each week, I have a surplus of milk - lately, I freeze about 50 ounces of milk each week. I have to keep pumping to a) keep up my supply and b) prevent engorgement/other problems, so reducing the pumping sessions isn't a real viable option right now. I freeze the milk, and at first I was rotating in a bottle of frozen milk every day, but then I just got away from that, and the freezer stash grew. And grew. And grew, to epic proportions.

At that point, I realized Elle would never need that much frozen milk. I plan to breastfeed her until she's at least 1, and after that, we'll see what happens. I really would like to stop pumping at that point, but for now, the stash has been growing and outweighing our need.

So I asked my breastfeeding support group about ways to donate milk. Several of them suggested national milk banks, which I had heard about. There are a lot of national milk banks that accept donated milk. They often require a minumum amount of milk (like 200 ounces), and with most of them, there is (understandably) a lot of paperwork to fill out. Another issue specific to me is that I'm on a low dosage of a precription medication. These banks accept milk from mothers on some medications, but when I contacted them to find out if I could donate, they said they were unable to accept a donation from me. The amount of medication that Elle might get from my milk is minute, but when the donated milk is pooled together, my little bit of medication might be added to milk from a mother taking a different, incompatible medication, or result in milk that has a high amount of medication. Totally understandable.

But another member of the breastfeeding group mentioned a more grassroots, person-to-person group. 

I joined the group on Facbeook - it used to be called "Eats on Feets" but is now "Human Milk 4 Human Babies." I joined the Florida Facebook group, and there are discussion groups where moms can post requests for and donations of expressed breast milk. There are FB pages for various states and regions.

My first donation - about 220 ounces of milk.

Soon after I joined and posted that I had extra milk, a mother from a few hours away contacted me. She has a severe case of psoriasis and needed to take a strong medication that would prevent her from breastfeeding for an extended period of time. I was up front with her, explaining that I drink caffeine in moderation, occasionally drink alcohol and was on a low dosage of prescription medication. She checked with her lactation consultant and decided that the milk was safe for her daughter. Another mom was donating milk to her, and we met up so she could get my milk to take the rest of the way to the mom in need. I ended up giving her about 220 ounces of my oldest milk, which had been stored in a deep freezer.

A few weeks ago, I realized our freezer was being overtaken by plastic Lansinoh bags again and posted on the group's FB page. A few moms inquired about the milk but weren't comfortable taking milk that might contain traces of a prescription medication.

But last month, I received a message from another mom who is no longer able to breastfeed or pump for her son because of health issues. Her supply was dwindling, and I had stockpiled another 200-300 ounces that a) I didn't need and b) was taking up precious space in our chest freezer. Her son was premature and has a lot of health problems. We met up at our local Target and "exchanged the goods." (Seriously, it's kinda weird - Tim asked if I was selling my breast milk, like on the black market. Not so.) 

I know it's not for everyone, but for moms who are committed to providing breast milk for their babies and are unable - for whatever reason - to produce any or enough milk for their child(ren), donor milk is an amazing option. The pro (and con) of this group is that there aren't regulations or a governing body - no forms to fill out, no requirements to be met ... it's all based on the comfort level and honesty of the donor and the recipient. The first mom I donated to requested copies of my bloodwork from my OB, and some moms who donate require signed releases denying liability.

There are so many women who have milk to donate, and so many mothers and babies in need. It's been fascinating to see this network unfold. Mothers drive hours to pick up or deliver milk. Others will mail their milk for only the cost of shipping and handling. Some moms provide milk or need milk while in town on vacation for a week or two.

It's a community I never imagined existed and certainly never pictured myself joining, but I'm touched by the generosity and grateful for the chance to help others.

Things learned in the last 24 weeks and 1 day

This crazy ride called parenthood (especially as an anxious, obsessive, thrifty, money-conscious breastfeeding and cloth diapering parent) has taught me a lot, and I've been intrigued (and/or shocked/annoyed/stressed) by some of the information I've garnered and lessons I've learned. May this serve as a reminder to me for when we have future children or when people ask me questions and I, in my permanent state of mommy brain, cannot remember, or as a reference to expectant or new mommies who might be curious about the following:


Sleep: 

Around four months old,
passed out in her swing.

Babies often experience disrupted or require more sleep before some developmental milestones like rolling, walking and talking.

Babies need a LOT of sleep. And they need help and encouragement to get that sleep. The better a baby naps, the better a baby will usually sleep at night. An overtired baby will be TOO tired to sleep or sleep well, and we've learned quite a bit about baby sleep patterns over the last few months. I was first introduced to the 90-minute sleep cycle and the N.A.P.S. approach at one of my breastfeeding group meetings, and as she's gotten older, we've watched Elle's 90-minute cycles extend to 100- or 120-minute cycles. Basically, if we're watching and paying attention, we can see Elle's sleep cues about an hour to two hours after she last woke, and she needs to go back to sleep during that time. One of my friends has a daughter who fluctuated between 60- and 90-minute "90-minute" sleep cycles. Every baby is different, but the awareness of these patterns has helped us infinitely.

Sleep regressions are real, frustrating and sometimes unexplainable. We had that period of a few weeks when Elle had a hard time going to and staying asleep, and then it passed. I'm not sure if she grew out of it or if it was Tim's suggestion to reintroduce (and strongly enforce) a late afternoon/early evening nap that prevents her from getting too tired before bed. When she gets a short nap late in the day, she typically sleeps better at night.

Breastfeeding:

The content of the milk changes with baby's age. So that means that the "bigger" bottles I registered for way back when I was pregnant? Totally unnecessary. In retrospect, I guess I would have used them if breastfeeding hadn't worked out for us, but since the quality of my milk changes as Elle ages, the quantity doesn't need to, which I find wayyyy cool. We've slightly adjusted the number of ounces in her bottles, but she's going to top out around 5-5.5 ounces. When I was getting ready to head back to work, I used this site to figure out about how many ounces to start with, and we've adjusted based on Elle - if she drains it and seems hungry in a short amount of time, we've increased it by a half ounce until she seems satisfied and can go longer, typical stretches without eating. A friend of mine told me to leave one ounce of milk for every hour I'd be away from the baby, which worked for an estimate, and we modified from that based on the rest of Elle's daily schedule.

The majority of my freezer stash.

Related: I have a lot of frozen milk (between 250 and 300 ounces). But some of that milk is from October, when Elle was three months old. So if I would stop breastfeeding when Elle is say, 11 months old, and then just give her frozen milk from my stash until she turned a year old, she'd possibly be getting milk that was designed for a baby with the nutritional needs of a three-month-old. Even though it would stay good in our deep freezer much longer than three months, I've been trying to rotate one bottle of frozen milk in to her 2-3 daily bottles, so usually the oldest milk she'll get is three months old, and then the other bottles are fresh milk. I had no idea about this when I started breastfeeding and pumping.

There are many positives to breastfeeding, for both mother and baby. Various studies cite lowered risks of certain kinds of cancers for women who have breastfed and increased IQs in breastfed babies. I wasn't aware, however, of studies that show lower childhood obesity rates in breastfed babies. They also have a better ability to self-regulate their intake.

Breastfed babies are sometimes less picky eaters because they've been exposed, through their mother's milk,  to many different flavors. We wanted to delay introducing solids until at least six months, which gives Elle's digestive system time to mature as well as decreases her risk for food allergies. She's been exclusively breastfed, and we plan to make the transition to solids with baby-led weaning, and a friend of mine sent me an awesome article about it. Based on the way Elle reaches for and grips
everything in her pathvarious toys, I'm eager to see how she reacts to solid foods :)

Cloth diapering:

Not nearly as clear-cut as I first thought. For the first 20 days until Elle's cord fell off, we used newborn-sized disposables. We began our cloth diapering journey with a stash of infant prefolds and covers.

Then Elle grew out of the infant prefolds. I realized, though, that I really didn't mind the typically more-involved prefold/cover method, and I wanted to stick with it as our primary diapering system, as opposed to the all-in-one diapers I had previously planned on using after she grew in to them. The prefolds and covers dry fast and are cheaper, so I purchased some new, higher-quality and larger prefolds and the other size of covers to replace the infant ones. I thought my diaper stash was set until Elle grew out of those prefolds. I was wrong, because ...

In the all-in-one diaper.

We have a heavy-wetter. It is no surprise, considering she sleeps 9-12 hours between her nighttime diaper change and her morning change. And now she's sometimes soaking through her naptime diapers. There are easy, fairly inexpensive remedies to these issues (like inserts made of absorbent materials like hemp, or moisture-repellent wool covers), but I hadn't anticipated them. I'm still experimenting with solutions, but I think I'm close, including using those previously mentioned all-in-one diapers with extra inserts at night.

Also unknown prior to starting this journey: Cloth diapers and most diaper creams don't mix. If Elle shows signs of diaper rash, we slather on the diaper cream and use disposables for a bit. We could buy liners to use in the cloth diaper (to act as a barrier for cloth from the cream) or buy special "cloth-safe" cream, but we don't at this point. It happens so infrequently that it hasn't been worth it. We keep disposables on-hand at all times in the diaper bag (so far, we don't cloth diaper on-the-go) and for the first change of the morning, which has to be fast because Little Miss is hangry like whoa.

I'm sure I'll face new challenges as Elle starts solids, too ... oy.

Cloth wipes are cool, too! Tim and our sitter don't use them (I never really said anything to the sitter, and Tim is just taking this process one step at a time), but I bought some small, cheap washclothes on clearance and spray them with plain water when I change Elle. Then I throw them in our pail with the cloth diapers, so they get washed together and it doesn't create extra waste or laundry. If she has a poopy diaper, I use store-bought wipes, although I don't have to - I just feel more comfortable cleaning her up with those.

General:

There is very little rhyme or reason when it comes to baby. Flexibility and patience are essentially, and trying to figure things out? It will drive you mad.

Babies - even babies who are fairly low maintenance and only a few weeks old (i.e. not mobile) - require a lot of time. I had fairytale dreams of redesigning my Web site during my maternity leave and catching up on some scrapbooks, among other things. Did. Not. Happen. There were days when I barely managed to shower between diaper changes, feedings, naps, laundry, dishes, cooking, etc. I knew having a baby would change my life, but I don't think I was fully accepting of how immediately and completely that would happen.

That infant car seat that touts a 30-pound weight limit? Welllllll ... I knew that most kids reach the height limit on it (30 inches) first, but I didn't realize how fast these babies grow! Many moms in my mommy/baby group expressed the same surprise I did when we realized that we'd be car seat shopping again much sooner than expected. We've probably got a couple of inches to go on Elle (will find out more at her six-month well-baby visit!), but I've started the preliminary research on our next step.

There are approximately 1.2 million different books on infant sleep available to stress new parents out.

Everything is controversial, everyone has an opinion, and all of the baby books contradict each other. You do what feels right for your family and your baby ... and just when you get accustomed to something, it will change.

Any other moms discovering things that they never knew? Or any advice for curve balls that lie ahead for us? :)