AKA "Our experience with sleep training."
Warning: This is probably going to be uber long and provide more details than you want, but I wanted to give a complete look at the background behind our experience and choices and my rambling pertinent details. That's why you're getting about eight months of sleep history and the summary and logic behind about four different sleep approaches in one exciting blog post :) And disclaimer: Please don't get all Judgey McJudgerson on me. I'm not sharing this to be criticized or proclaim that I'm an Infant Sleep Expert, I'm sharing our decisions and experiences by request.
When we first found out we were expecting, I thought we wanted to follow the
attachment parenting school of thought. I read books, talked with other parents, etc. When it comes to sleep, attachment parenting means no crying it out, so I never really paid much attention to talk of sleep training or CIO except to know that I wanted no part of CIO.
After Elle was born, I soon realized that across the board, we aren't any "kind" of parents. We might do things that are associated with certain parts of "crunchy parenting," "natural parenting," "attachment parenting," etc., but bottom line? We're Tim-and-Kristin parenting. We can't be lumped under a label, but everything we do is in the best interest of Elle.
Elle has been a decent sleeper from the time she was about 5 or 6 weeks old. We were grateful for the early, five-hour stretches of sleep she gave us and knew how lucky we were when they soon grew to 6-, 8-, even 10 hour stretches before she was two months old, and she hasn't needed a consistent night feeding since then. But I've tried not to talk about the specifics of her sleep with others because I a) know we've been lucky, b) feared I would jinx it and c) read a parenting article while I was pregnant that really stuck with me. The article touched on the obvious - good sleepers will sometimes have bad nights or rough patches. But the biggest thing I took from it was to think about how other parents would feel, not just with sleep but with all of those baby milestones/developments/general happenings: "Her baby was
sleeping through the night x months ago - what are we doing wrong?!" And I know I've been there - "That boy was sitting up on his own way before Elle - is she 'OK'?" Or "I don't think Elle will ever use a
sippy cup - will she be using bottles at age 5?!" And "Elle didn't double her birth weight by six months - does that mean I'm giving my daughter 'skim' breastmilk?!" In new-parent anxiety, compounded by
sleep deprivation, I could totally see how my mere mention of Elle's solid sleep could unintentionally tweak some raw emotions. So we didn't really talk about it with others unless specifically asked.
I was familiar with the
90-minutes NAPS plan because of my breastfeeding support group. I read part of and watched the DVD for "
Happiest Baby on the Block." Then I read "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." Basically, all of this made me really obsessive, boring to talk to and focused on Elle's sleep cycles. I'm fascinated by infant sleep, but it also terrifies me :)
All of the reading I did boiled down to a few key facts (some of which defied logic, in my opinion, but they really worked), like an overtired baby will have more trouble sleeping, and better "day sleep" equals better "night sleep." There is also a common misconception (Tim LOVED to try to tell me this) that if you put a baby to bed later, they'll sleep in. Not so much. They're overtired, so no dice. Many sleep books actually encourage earlier bedtimes for babies. In our experience, we kind of had to figure out what worked for Elle, and what worked for us, and we've settled in to a bedtime of around 8 p.m.
Basically, with infant sleep, the issue is that babies are dealing with a lot - motor and language devleopments and all that jazz - and they need a lot of time to rest their brains. If they don't get it, they have a harder time "shutting down," and that's where a lot of the sleep problems pop up. The idea of no more than 1-2 hours of "awake time" between naps was a huge part of the Healthy Sleep Habits book, and even at about 5 months, Elle needed three naps - one about every two hours.
As my maternity leave was winding down, I tried to be more consistent with when and where Elle napped. Previously, she slept anywhere and everywhere: PNP, arms, swing, bouncy seat, floor, crib. Now almost all naps happen in the crib. Occasionally, she will nap when we're out and about, but I think the association of "the crib is for sleeping" has helped (at least, I like to think so). We wrestled with the "
45-minute intruder" (aka another thing I never knew about until I had a kid), too. But overall, at several months old, naps and night sleep were going pretty well, especially considering Elle was typically watched by three people during the day: Me, from morning until mid-afternoon; a sitter, from mid-afternoon until early evening; and Tim, from early evening until bedtime. After reading Healthy Sleep Habits, I'd learned how to tune in to her sleep signals a bit better and could sometimes catch her at
justtherighttime to put her down for her morning nap ... and she'd fall asleep on her own.
But even with her fairly stellar sleeping, we had some obstacles. Around the time Elle was four months old, we hit a mega bumpy patch. We almost always rocked Elle to sleep. Her naps were short, so it often felt like we spent more time rocking her to a deep sleep than she actually slept. And the nights were a completely different story - Elle would wake up every 45-60 minutes for the first 3-5 hours after bedtime, which meant we (and it was mostly Tim, as I worked nights) would rock her back to sleep ... and back to sleep ... and back to sleep. Usually around midnight or 1 a.m., she'd conk out for the night, going a 5-7 hour stretch without waking. She was getting enough sleep, but it wasn't good, unbroken, solid sleep. The times she wasn't rocked to sleep were the times she fell asleep while nursing or drinking her bottle.
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"Daddy, this cradling stuff is crap.
Let me play with your hat instead
of napping at this baseball game!" |
So I sought out help with the obstacles. I searched the internet. I posted on chat boards. I read books. I polled friends. This was awesome, because I received feedback on specific books and experiences, but I also received priceless responses like "as long as you're not a zombie and Elle isn't a zombie, you're fine." Another said "If you think about it, all of those authors are just trying to make money - so OF COURSE they're going to try to sell you on this or that sleep technique or method." And those thoughts, and many others, made me realize I needed to chill and remind myself that Elle was a tiny baby, going through some hard times. But truth be told, I also knew that most sleep training resources say it should be done between four and six months of age, so Tim and I decided that at four months, it just felt like Elle was too young, not ready. But we'd re-evaluate, talk with the pediatrician, and revisit the subject closer to her six-month birthday.
Right before Elle's six-month birthday, Tim got his promotion, which would require him to work nights. With me working nights, Tim working nights, and the babysitter that we had been using since Elle was 10 weeks old leaving for grad school in a month, we had a stark truth: Someone new was going to be putting our baby to bed more than 50% of the time. We interviewed sitters, and there was one that fit most of our criteria, but she didn't have as much experience with infants as our previous sitter, and during the "trial sitting sessions," she struggled to get Elle to nap. I like the sitter, but I stressed about my poor baby's sleep. As we narrowed down our choices for the sitter to replace our current sitter, this was a BIG thing for me.
Also around this time, Elle had her six-month pediatrician appointment. Dr. P. told me that if we were going to do sleep training, we needed to do it soon, because around 8-9 months, separation anxiety sets in, and that can be a whole other can of worms to deal with on top of sleep training. Dr. P. also cautioned that it was a lot easier to
say you'll let them cry than to do it, but if you're going to do it, you have to be strong about it. I was concerned that Tim would "cave," but as I talked with the doctor that day, I swallowed hard and realized it was going to be a challenge for me, too, despite the knowledge that this wasn't going to ruin Elle, and it was going to make our situation better. A few rough days for a long-term payoff, right?
I really wanted to hire the sitter - but there was that anxiety that she'd never get my daughter to sleep. And I really wanted
us to enjoy our time with Elle - honestly, some days, rocking her to sleep ... and to sleep ... and to sleep again for naps or bedtime was a bit stress-inducing. Don't get me wrong - we love her to death and know that we need to cherish the moments when she's young and cuddly. But we both work full-time, have some mandatory household-related stuff that need to be done (bill-paying, trash-taking-out, dish-washing, laundry-doing, etc.), and there were days when that just wasn't getting done, because she needed us to rock her back to sleep. Or we'd be tense and stressed because we weren't sure if *thistime* was the time she'd actually stay down. We don't get to spend much time as a couple, and much of it was being spent saying "Is it your turn?" or "I'll rock her this time." As much as I love to spend time with my baby, this wasn't the way I wanted to be doing it.
And in the end, sleep training came down to what worked best for us as a family.
We decided that rather than use the cry it out method described in Healthy Sleep Habits, we would use what is called "graduated extinction" - specifically, the Ferber method described in the book "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems." Ferber doesn't encourage letting your baby just cry - the method includes checking on the baby at specific intervals, not only for their peace of mind, but your own: You make sure your baby isn't in danger, isn't sick, etc. But you make your checks very matter-of-fact, not a leisurely visit.
I've struggled a lot with this. I feared Elle would come to hate me, avoiding direct eye contact during the day, rebelling at night. If I effed this up before her first birthday, how would she react the first time we told her she couldn't "buy this" or "do that" when a teen?! If changing a sleep association made her hate me, would she file to become an emancipated minor if we told her she couldn't pierce her belly button?! As you can see, I struggled with the emotional/relationship aspect quite a bit. But when it came to our decision, I know several things:
1. We never just let Elle cry. If she's hurt, sick, soiled, in danger, whatever, we attend to her immediately. She's never left to cry when something is wrong, whether it be playtime, naptime or bedtime. We don't foster a feeling of abandonment, so I don't fear that she will grow up to think that crying won't illicit a response from us. We DO respond to her. If she has trouble sleeping because she's ill, teething, whatever, we won't ignore her - there are exceptions to every rule, and we'll make them.
2. She had associated being rocked to sleep as the primary way to fall asleep. We merely needed to change the association. Much like Tim and I watch TV or read before bed, Elle needed to be rocked in order to fall sleep, which wasn't a problem unless it was a problem, which it was becoming.
3. Some people say that graduated extinction is worse than just leaving the baby to cry, saying that it is a tease to keep checking on the baby. And like the Ferber book said, her cries would often escalate when we'd enter the room and she realized we weren't there to pick her up. But I also knew that I couldn't just leave her to cry - I needed those intervals to make sure she was "OK" and was just crying because she was upset that she wasn't going to sleep the way she knew.
4. Having her be able to self-soothe would alleviate my stress about her being with the sitter. It would alleviate my fear that she was sleep-deprived. It would make our time with her more enjoyable and less stressful. And she was capable of doing it.
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She doesn't hate me! Or if she does it is
only because I kiss her too much. |
This article also gave me strength as we prepared for sleep training (seriously - please read it).
Kate, a blogger whom I agree with on a lot of parenting decisions and have tremendous respect for, had linked to it when her son was a few months old, and I shared it with Tim, too - this was one of those big parenting things that we needed to be on the same page. I've also read that sleep training is "necessary," acting as the first major way to show your child that you're in charge, a way of instilling a sense of discipline, which I don't really buy. Sure, you're creating structure, but I'm not sure I would say discipline. And I don't think sleep training is necessary at all for everyone - one article I read focused on the point that nursing a child to sleep isn't wrong, and no way of getting a child to sleep is wrong (CIO, rocking, nursing, etc.) as long as it works for everyone involved and will in the future. Ferber's book even comes right out and says if there is no sleep problem, you don't need to sleep train. But if a sleep association is disrupting the sleep of the baby or parents, causing the parents to be resentful of the baby, etc., it can be considered problematic.
Since I knew Elle was capable of falling asleep on her own, I had some hope that our experience with sleep training wouldn't be terrible. But I also know that when she cries that
"Oh my God where are you Mom?" cry, it hits me so hard my uterus hurts. This girl has a stubborn streak (who knows where she gets
that?!), and I couldn't blame her for clinging to the way she'd grown accustomed to going to sleep.
We had a perfect window of opportunity in early February. I knew that it would be easiest if Tim and I could start together to support each other. We weren't on the cusp of any travel or major changes. I knew it would be best (as Ferber suggests) to do it when we could afford to lose some sleep (Tim had three days of work and then a week of furlough, so he'd be off). And we were going to have the new sitter watch Elle at the end of February, so if we could have Elle's sleep association changed by then, I wouldn't spend the entire day with my stomach in a knot.
We also knew that if it didn't work, or if we gave it a try for a few days and it just didn't sit right with us, we could stop. We wanted to give it at least a week (and Ferber says results are usually seen within 3-4 days), and we figured seven days wouldn't make Elle hate us for life.
I'm
very glad I read the Ferber book before we started sleeping training - I wanted to do it "right," and I wanted to be as educated as possible. There are specific increments to follow, limits for both night and nap sleep, ways to ease in and extend the program, etc. Although I first thought we'd focus on sleep training for bedtime and not worry about naps, I quickly decided if we were going to do this, we should go all in. I don't remember the exact intervals right now, but we followed them as directed.
So the first day was a Monday. Elle was six months and a few days old. I went through our bedtime routine - since we were taking away the rocking-to-sleep, I wanted to make sure there were solid associations to signal "It's bedtime." I rocked her for a few minutes, but I put her to bed awake but drowsy. And she cried. And cried. And cried. I fearfully looked at the clock, simultaneously wanting her to fall asleep and wanting my next check to arrive so I could make sure she was OK. Tim was working a night shift, so I paced by myself, trying to remind myself that I wasn't a terrible person for teaching my daughter a new way to go to sleep.
I checked on her three times. (I think the intervals were 3 minutes, then 5 minutes, then 10 minutes.) It took 25 minutes for her to fall asleep.
To be honest, I don't remember much about the naps during this time. I think it is because I continued to be able to get her at the "right time" to fall asleep on her own.
The second night of "sleep academy," Tim was home. I think Elle hoped that Daddy might respond to her, and believe me, he wanted to. He kept asking me if it had been "this bad" last night, and we both watched the clock as the intervals (this time slightly longer - I think 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 12 minute intervals) passed. I think that night there were periods of no crying followed by outbursts of extended crying, and it took about 45 minutes total for Elle to fall asleep. Tim and I looked at each other and wondered how the third night would go, knowing it could make or break all three of us.
The third night was Tim and Elle alone. I had to work, but Tim followed the bedtime routine and only had to check on her once (again with the slightly longer interval), and she was out within 17 minutes.
The next night was similar, with about nine minutes of crying. I think at this point, she woke up once about 90 minutes after falling asleep, let out a brief yell, and went back to sleep.
The next few nights included less crying - anywhere from 1-5 minutes. Tim was surprised at how relatively easy it had been for Elle to adapt to the new association, and I was just glad that Elle didn't seem to hate us.
Things have continued to go well. There was one night this week when Elle and I both had a cold, and she woke up twice, but she went back to sleep in less than a minute both times. I flashed back briefly to the days when we would run in the second we heard the monitor, hoping to get to Elle before she woke up too much. But now, we give her time to go back to sleep on her own. Two nights ago, she woke up at 4 a.m., and it was clear from her cry that she was not going to go back to sleep. We got her and fed her, and while I don't know what caused her to wake up, I do know that she wasn't crying just because she woke up and needed to be rocked back to sleep.
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| Aunt Marti reads Elle a bedtime story. |
I continue to be fascinated by Elle's changes and sleep associations. In the last three weeks or so, she has refused to be cradled, which used to be the only way we could rock her when she was sleepy. Now (with me at least), she likes to lean against my chest as I rock her for a few minutes. She tucks her head under my chin and settles in. For the last week, she's been leaning in to me as soon as I turn the light off in the nursery and turn her little fan on. She used to take a pacifier at naps and bedtime. Now she snuggles in to me, sucking her thumb. And when I put her down in her crib, she'll cry sometimes, but not all the time, and I love watching her drowsily settle in for sleep, sucking her thumb and sticking her butt up in the air. I like to think that she knows that she needs this time and I'm doing it in her best interest. If she does cry when we put her in the crib, she stops almost as soon as Tim or I close the nursery door. With others, though, she'll continue to cry for a minute or two - I think because she's still holding out hope that they won't make her take her nap or go to sleep.
But the babysitter has no problem getting her to sleep now, and I think it has actually made her more in-tune to Elle's sleep cues. I think the sitter has less anxiety about getting Elle to sleep, and I think both she and Elle respond better in that situation. Elle sleeps about 11-12 hours at night and naps for a combined 2-3 hours during the day, and I truly look forward to putting her to sleep at night because it's a special time for us. I love the routine, love the way she responds to her lotion massage, her stories, the rocking and talking about the day. It has definitely changed the relationship I have with her sleeptimes, and while it was difficult and I could still probably convince myself to be for or against CIO, it worked for us. I would never tell someone it was easy, but I think having a "reminder mantra" or clear goal in mind helps with the cause - I knew that we realistically couldn't continue to rock Elle to sleep, and I knew that my biggest anxiety about the new sitter could be eased with changing Elle's sleep association.
I read "Solve Your Child's Sleep" around the same time I was reading "Baby-Led Weaning" and basically felt like I was eating, sleeping and breathing baby rearing. The librarians probably talked about me behind my back. But I feel more confident in our decisions because I've done so much research, and while I might spout off information that no one else cares about in casual conversation, I find it all to be ridiculously interesting. You can argue any side of almost any issue until you're blue in the face and
still have more to discuss. I know it was hard to hear Elle cry, and some nights I miss rocking her (and I admit that sometimes, I'll rock her to sleep completely for naps and just treasure each second). But I also know that Elle is loved, we're happy parents, she's a happy baby, she's getting the sleep she needs, we're getting good sleep and there is a lot less anxiety in general now.
