A sibling splash

There's several reasons why the blog has been nearly silent over the last nine months. I'd like to address two of those reasons: Elle and Wesley.

While they're part of why I haven't blogged as much lately, they're the two biggest reasons why I am determined to get some key posts up - from an update on what Elle's been up to lately to a roundup of what we did at Christmas this year (I never said the posts were timely!), I have always used this space as a diary/scrapbook of sorts. And I hate that there are already gaps in the short history of my little family.

I wanted to capture a pivotal moment from last weekend before it escaped me. But first, some background:

I am one of four siblings. Tim is one of two. I always felt that I wanted to have more than one kid, but I was quick to mentally reign in my "Oh yes, three or four, for sure" to "Two would be good" after logically considering factors like finances, Tim's age, my sanity, etc. If Wesley had been a girl, there was a good chance we might have gone for No. 3 to see if we could add some male offspring to our brood.

And while this might be kind of illogical based on my previous statement, I resent the fact that people (both those who know us and complete strangers) assume we're done with two because we have "a perfect set." As if not having a boy and a girl somehow makes things less perfect. I've internally bristled at the "perfect pair" comments, because while it definitely contributed to our decision to stop at two, we weren't going to continue trying to have kids until we achieved a certain gender or number of "sets." Three is a lot more fathomable than five, six or "however many it takes to get a boy." It's true that we're done-zo on the procreation front, but my prevailing thought on stopping now is that we have two beautiful, healthy children. We can provide for them and enjoy life as a family of four. Our life feels complete now, and while I am in awe of the whole experience of creating, carrying and delivering these tiny beings, I've been fortunate enough to do it twice without any huge issue or complication. I'm thankful for that and always will be.

All that aside, having two kids is much, much harder than I ever expected. I know I've mentioned it, but those first few months had me wondering what we'd gotten ourselves in to. I'm sure having two small children is tough enough, but we're also 1,000 miles away from family and working opposite schedules, so adjusting and juggling things have been HARD. Emotionally and physically, I've been exhausted. For so long, I felt like I was constantly attending to a demanding newborn and therefore neglecting the needs of my oldest child. The guilt of that was heavy, even though I knew it was necessary and Elle wasn't going to grow up damaged just because I couldn't respond to her every request immediately for the first few months of her brother's life.

As Wesley has gotten older and slightly more independent, things have gotten easier to balance. I can actually make dinner while he sits nearby, happily playing, instead of trying to throw together a meal one-handed while he screamed. He's got a more predictable nap schedule, so we're not dealing with as many missed naps or car snoozes to get him shakily through another day. In general, he's a much happier, steady baby than he was 5-6 months ago.

On the downside, though, because he's nearly crawling and in to absolutely everything, Elle is constantly threatened by the stealthy baby swiping her stuff.  When she swipes it back, Wesley seems utterly confused as to why his previously perfect little universe has been rocked. (Welcome to the rest of your life, kids.) We know she loves him, though - she recently told us we couldn't get rid of him "because I yove him!"

I'm sure if we were to have more kids, we would adjust to life as "a family of ..." and soon feel like things had never been different. As it stands now, it's hard to remember life before Elle, and before Wesley. (Not impossible, as I often daydream of quiet mornings and solo shopping trips, but those are tradeoffs I happily accept in exchange for cuddles, giggles and priceless memories.) I'm told, and can easily understand, that adding a third or fourth kid is much easier than going from one to two. I'm still not super interested in doing it myself, but I can see the logic.

One of the ways things have gotten easier as Wesley has gotten older and gained basic skills (like sitting) is that I no longer have to juggle two baths. For the first few times of their dual bath, Wesley spent his entire bath grinning like an idiot, looking at me like "This is the best. thing. ever." The kid idolizes his big sister (although his adoration for our cats has recently taken priority over anyone and anything else). Elle kept asking me "Can the baby get out now?" Even though she spent the entire bathtime glaring at him (and me) as she repeatedly gathered up and cornered off all of the bath toys, Wesley was in absolute heaven. It gave me a glimpse of what life will be like for these two, almost exactly three years apart, as they grow up.

Although the initially awestruck reaction has waned, Wesley has still always enjoyed dual baths more than Elle, who has begrudgingly accepted that she has to share tub real estate every night. The bath ritual has become a sigh of relief for me, allowing them to entertain themselves for a while before we start preparing for bed. I try to keep the splashing to a minimum, play life guard to Wesley's unsteadiness and referee the bath toy hoarding by Elle, but it's a much more pleasant experience for all of us these days. Wesley's worst moods have always been cured by the bath, and as we've delved in to solid food, the need for a bath immediately after dinner has become vital.

Last weekend, we had a definite sibling turning point, as bath time was all giggles and splashing. As much as I hate getting covered in water, I just laughed as they copied each other, feeding off each other's squeals and claps over and over, and I permitted more splashing than my OCD-self can normally handle (water on the bathroom floor drives me a tad nutso). And then:

"Can he stay? I'm having fun with him!"

The rest of the evening was spent on Elle's bed, the three of us gathered around books. Wesley rolled around, laughing if we nudged him one way or the other, happy to be not only part of the game, but the actual physical vehicle of the fun. There was interactivity. There was a lot of laughter. There was enjoyment.

This bath time revelation came at a time when I kept wondering when the "magic moment" would occur, when the phrase of the week was "Don't push your brother over!" (to which Elle repeatedly responded "But I wanted him to lay down!"). 

I'm sure as they grow older, they'll rally together about how mean Mom was or reminisce about how Dad was always the fun one - I am lucky enough to know firsthand that the experiences, the bond, the friendships that siblings share are precious and lasting. These two share more than DNA. They'll grow up sharing toys, parties, indignation, successes and, most importantly, memories. They're good for us, but far more than that - they're good for each other. They will be each other's biggest enemies and biggest protectors. Their relationship will evolve constantly for at least the next two decades, and while they might not always be the best of friends, they've got a lifetime connection.

Yes, this bath tub camaraderie signaled a turning point for my kiddos, when Elle-worshiping Wesley went from adorable, loveable nuisance to accepted, pint-sized sibling playmate. And that makes this mama heart very happy.

Looking back at 2013

Happy New Year, folks. Since I've been rather absent from the blog for the last half of the year, I figured this survey (taken from Heather) would be a good way to look back at 2013 and recap some of the things I haven't mentioned on the blog. I think it will be a good way to recap future years, too, so hopefully it will be a blog staple :)  Apologies now for the length of this post, too - catching up and recapping is wordy work!

1. What did you do in 2013 that you had never done before? Potty trained a child. Got an epidural. Had a CT scan. Guess I should explain that last one, because it is definitely part of the "catch up on the last six months" clause. Throughout my pregnancy with Wesley, I had a lot of on and off pain around my belly button. I mentioned it to my doctor, and he said it was likely just round ligament pain/Wesley's position/etc. Nothing to worry about. And for about a month after Wesley was born, I had no noticeable pain. But then it returned. It felt like a pulled muscle, and it really started to bother me soon after my postpartum check up (this timing was not lost on me, as I could have brought it up with my OB if it had been an issue before the appointment). The pain continued to increase (and after surviving natural childbirth I feel I have the right to say I can handle moderate pain without issue) and it worried me that it was very unpredictable - it would often last for days and then disappear for a day or two. It would travel, moving up and around my abdomen, sometimes a dull ache, other times a sharp pain. There was no rhyme or reason, and no one else I knew (or could locate on Google) had experienced anything similar. After about 10 weeks, I finally went to a doctor in my PCP's office because I wanted to know if it was "just" a pulled muscle or if it was something more serious (I had imagined all sorts of "worst-case scenarios"). The original response was that it was likely a strained muscle and they wanted to avoid unnecessary, costly tests, but if it didn't improve within 2-3 weeks, I needed to call. It didn't improve. So a CT scan was ordered for me. The good news about the CT was that originally it was ordered with contrast, so they would have injected dye in me, and I would have had to pump and dump for two days. UGH. When I arrived at the facility, they told me they actually didn't need the scan with contrast, but I *did* have to chug this disgusting, chalky bottle of barium. (If you think the glucose drink you have to take during pregnancy is bad, this is like a million times more disgusting.) I had the choice between vanilla- and banana-flavored barium, and the vanilla was recommended to me by a tech. It was still awful, but I shudder to think of how bad the banana would have been! The scan itself was painless and took a few minutes. The results were in a few days later, and the results were good in that nothing looked terrible wrong. The only bad thing was there was no clear diagnosis of what was causing the pain I was experiencing. A follow up with my actual PCP was reassuring - she's got a daughter Elle's age and a one-year-old son, and she is confident that it was a severe strain that happened during my pregnancy or early in my recovery stages, and with the two wee ones, it has had little chance to fully heal. I try to avoid heaving Elle or Wesley in his car seat around whenever I can, but because of our schedules, I pick them up from daycare and do our regular bath routine, so it's been hard to completely stop lifting "heavy objects." I've been careful in my efforts to get back in shape, and when it bothers me (which still happens occasionally, almost a full six months after delivering), I take an anti-inflammatory medicine and rest as much as possible. I seriously hope this heals completely, on it's own and soon, but the possibility that something was really wrong and that multiple tests would be needed was terrifying.

2. Did anyone close to you have a child? Moi :) Several good friends had babies, and both my sister-in-law and a close friend are due this year (my nephew could come any day!). 

3. Did anyone close to you die? My great aunt passed away. This hit me especially hard because while my aunt and I weren't super close, she and my grandma were, and I was very close to my grandma. Losing my great aunt brought all of the feelings from the loss of my grandma back and reminded me the special, sisterly bond they shared. It also upset me because I couldn't be with my family. Over the last few years, I've gotten closer to my cousins (my great aunt's daughters), so I also mourned for them and my great uncle. I also had two friends who lost babies - one at 22 weeks and one just shy of 12 weeks - and those losses rocked me.

St. Augustine in April!

4. Where did you travel? We went to St. Augustine in April - a rare trip to somewhere other than Ohio. It was a nice trip to an adorable, historic town that had something for everyone in our family and was a good trip to take with a toddler, while pregnant. Then we went to Ohio that week, too, to celebrate my dad's 60th birthday. In October, we went to Disney for Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party - we stayed in the Art of Animation resort and had a good time two hours from home. Travel was kept to a minimum this year because of a lack of vacation time/funds and being pregnant, but we did take several day trips to St. Petersburg and Tampa and got to explore several museums, beaches and aquariums with Elle.

I would love to see more of this guy -
this photo from a date night to a hockey game
in December to celebrate his birthday.

5. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? I could go on for days on this one, but I'll keep it to the general items highest on my list: To see my husband more (ideally, to have him have a "normal," Monday-Friday schedule). To move. More "me" time. More visits with family and friends.

Elle with my dad during our April
trip to Ohio - she was helping him
read his birthday cards :)

6. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory? July 3, my last day of work before Wesley. July 13 - my due date. July 15 - Wesley's birthday. Sept. 16 - return to work. Nov. 15 - our five-year anniversary.

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Hands down, Wesley. From carrying him to term without major complications to birthing, nursing and caring for him, I don't think you can achieve anything much greater than creating and nurturing human life. (I've been bringing that up at work a lot in the last month - when anyone mentions that I was out of leave and therefore shouldn't be eligible for Employee of the Year, I have been known to shout "I created life!" Since I won Employee of the Year in 2012, I'm OK with not getting it in 2013, but I still like to remind people that I wasn't just lounging pool-side when I was on leave.) Even though Wesley's birth was extremely different from Elle's (from being induced to having an epidural), I still think carrying and delivering a baby is totally amazing. Professionally, things were extremely crazy for the first third of the year at work, and I was working a lot of hours (and some Saturdays) to stay afloat. It was intense, but I feel a huge sense of achievement for handling the stress and pressure. I also had a pretty awesome month in May - I earned Employee of the Month for my work on several big projects, and knowing that I was "on my game" while in my third trimester was a good feeling, too.

8. What was your biggest failure? Not moving.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury? Yes - the apparent severe muscle strain that earned me the CT scan. I've pulled muscles before, but MAN. That has taken nearly half a year to recover from, and it was extremely painful at times. Tim and I were hit with a nasty stomach bug early in the year - I think it was a mild case of food poisoning, but being ill while pregnant sucks. And the whole family had a stomach virus when Wesley was just a few weeks old. That. Was. Awful. I was lucky that Tim could come home from work to help with the kids while I died in the bathroom and on the couch - not sure how I would have managed without his help for a few hours there.

10. What was the best thing you bought? Hmmm. A new mattress, maybe? We took advantage of Labor Day sales and replaced our old one. (I'm a very exciting person.)
 
11. Where did most of your money go? I think the majority went to medical stuff - there was the whole baby+loss of income during maternity leave thing, and I had a lot of unplanned dental work done, and then the visits and tests for my abdominal pain. We also had a lot of "we're adults now" costs - from overdue work on the condo (like duct cleaning and AC maintenance) to regular maintenance on Tim's car, it was all necessary.

Disney in October!

12. What did you get really, really, really excited about? All things Wesley :) And our trip to St. Augustine and Ohio in April and Disney in October.

13. What song will always remind you of 2013? When Elle likes a song, she likes to hear it constantly. The big winners for her last year were "Trouble" by Taylor Swift and "E.T." and "Firework" by Katy Perry as well as "Heart Attack" by Demi Lovato. I personally got hooked on "Wake Me Up" by Avicii and "Say Something" by A Great Big World with Christina Aguilera (Wesley seems to love that song - it's the only thing that keeps him from crying when I change his clothes).

14. Compared to this time last year, are you A) happier or sadder? B) thinner or fatter?  C) richer or poorer? A) I think this would probably be a draw ... last year I was contending with pregnancy hormones. This year, I'm just dealing with raw emotion, and while I'm happier that Wesley is here and how he's changed our family, I'm sad about a lot of other things. B) Fatter, although thankfully only slightly ... at this time last year, I was still in the "I've lost a few pounds because I'm nauseous" phase of my pregnancy. I'm only two pounds above what I consider my pre-pregnancy weight, but I'm definitely much squishier than I was at that weight. C) About the same. While we weren't able to save as much this year as I might have hoped, we had a lot of expenses that we didn't have the year before.

15. What do you wish you’d done more of? Seen more of our families and friends. Learned more about our DSLR. Blogged more. Done more Pilates and strength training. Saved more money (I'll probably always wish we had saved more money, though). 

16. What do you wish you’d done less of? Seen my dentist. Spent money. Worked.

17. Did you fall in love in 2013? Yes, with our little squish monster Wesley.

He's the squishiest!

18. What was your favorite TV program? Scandal. I'm absolutely in love with that show. I also got hooked on The Voice. And I'll never turn down an episode of Nashville.

19. What was the best book you read? It's hard to remember many of the books *I* read that weren't kids' books. I did read "Me Before You" and enjoyed it. I read "Gone Girl" and was absolutely hooked until the end, which frustrated/disappointed/surprised me. I read a few other books by Gillian Flynn but I found them more disturbing than consuming.

20. What was your greatest musical discovery? That my daughter loves Katy Perry songs? :) Honestly, I was introduced to a lot of good songs through The Voice, like "Say Something," "Burn" by Ellie Goulding and "Brave" by Sara Bareilles. For a good portion of the year, we could only tune in one radio station at work, and it was a country station, which introduced me to Hunter Hayes and Lady Antebellum's current hit "Compass."

21. What did you want and get? A healthy baby boy. A ring from my grandma soldered on to my wedding band (at left). A right hand ring that was my "push present."

22. What did you want and not get? More time with family.

23. What was your favorite film of the year? Hmmm. It's probably a bad sign that the two best movies of 2013 I can remember seeing are ones I actually watched in the first week of 2014, isn't it? "Blackfish " and "Frozen" are the two standing out in my mind right now.

24. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 32. My birthday was on a Monday, so I worked and then we went to a minor league baseball game that night. We celebrated the weekend before by going out to eat for dinner, too.

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013. Sometimes you have to let go of what you think you need or what you think is expected of you and just trust that it will all work out in the end.

Moving on up

Earlier this year, we started discussing transitioning Elle to a big girl bed. She never tried to climb out of the crib, thankfully, but we knew that eventually she needed to be out of the crib, and as I got bigger and more pregnant, it was getting harder for me to put all 30+ pounds of her to bed without hurting myself.

One of her last times in the crib.

I started shopping around, and we picked out a bed frame that I really liked - something that I think will grow with her, allow decorating diversity, etc. Elle was excited about the whole process and was ecstatic when we found a bedding set with pink (her favorite color!) and a cute little owl pillow (bonus!). I was excited that we found almost exactly what I had in mind within two days of searching AND at a really good price. (And it's going to be super easy for me to semi-match the crib bedding and curtains while she and the baby share a room - score!) She kept asking when she could have her big girl bed. The problem was that the bed frame was out of stock and wouldn't ship for several weeks. We got the mattress a few days later, though, so I decided we'd just make the transition even more gradual while we waited for the frame to ship.

On March 15, I quickly deconstructed the crib and set up the mattress after dinner without her knowing. The crib will be put back up a few months after Wesley's arrival, but we don't have a lot of space and we don't need an extra place for the cats to nap, so it's packed away in a closet until then. She was sooooooo excited to sleep in her big girl bed. She kept hugging the mattress and telling me she loved it. I was terrified that she'd be hopping out of it all night, but we talked about things and she seemed to understand that she needed to stay in her bed until Daddy came to wake her up in the morning.

One of her first sleeps on the mattress.

We got a video monitor (an early "welcome baby #2" present from my brother and his family, woohoo!) to help with the surveillance of the big girl in the big bed, and she thinks it's funny when the "camera talks to me." When you ask her what the camera says, she responds accurately with "Elle Belle, it's time to go to sleeeeeppppp."

Crib ballet a few nights before we set up her mattress.
I freaked her out when my voice came over the video monitor,
and she immediately dove to the mattress.

But really, other than the first week or two - part of which she was in the crib and I caught her doing elaborate marching and dance movements from side to side - we haven't had to use the communication on the monitor much to remind her that it's time to go to sleep.

Several times, she rolled off the mattress, which was kind of amusing - I found her completely on the floor one time, and most of the other times I'd see her leaned on the mattress or on her pillows with the rest of her body partially on the floor.

Slipping out and sleeping on the floor happened a few times.

After about six weeks of being on the mattress on the floor, the bed frame arrived, and we made the next transition, complete with side rail to keep her from rolling out. She was even more excited for the bed that we'd been telling her would "be higher." She knew that the "new bed" would also turn her big girl bed white.

And it was another seamless adjustment.

The completed set-up (although we've since added a bed skirt).
Elle is in love.

Our little girl has crossed another threshold of undeniably growing up.

For all of the fears and hesitations I had, Elle has made me feel like a fool. She hasn't gotten out of bed once, and although there have been nights when she wakes up multiple times, she's made it easy on us. The reason for the wake ups have ranged from pooping to "uh, I need to go potty!" to "I can't find blankie" and my favorite - the night when she cried out to Tim at 5 a.m. because she couldn't find her stuffed sheep and followed up with a 5:30 call of "Daddy! I found the sheep!" She's done really well, though, and even on the nights when she wakes she goes back to sleep fairly easily. I watch her on our video monitor, and sometimes it takes her an hour or more to settle in to sleep, but she plays quietly in bed, and then she sleeps 10-11 hours.

It's also nice to be able to crawl in to bed with her and read, say prayers or cuddle - and MUCH easier than trying to fit her on my lap for bedtime stories and then heaving her in to a crib.

Trying out her new digs.

I figure we'll face some blips when the kids start to share a room, but I'm so proud of the way Elle has adapted and just rolls with the changes - I love how excited she has been about everything, and although she's asked a few times where the crib went, she seems to understand that Wesley is going to need it, and she's got her special big girl bed now.

I've been warned that she'll eventually figure out that she can get out of bed (maybe when night-time potty training starts?), which worries me only because all of her books and some of her toys are in her room. So far, though, I'm beyond impressed (and relieved) and figure we'll deal with those issues if the time comes.

Some times life isn't easy.

Elle had a particularly rough day today. Actually, we've all had a fairly rough last two weeks or so, but the kid totally rose above it today.

Two left shoes are the latest in toddler fashion, right?

She started her day with a flu shot. She watched me get mine a few weeks ago, so we prepared her for "a little pinch and then it's all done." This was the first shot she's gotten in more than a year, though, I think, so she was a little more aware of pain. (But she did get M&Ms to ease her pain.) Then she went to daycare, where the daycare provider realized that she was wearing two left shoes. Elle persevered. She peed on the potty, which was awesome but not as exciting for her as it is for Tim, the daycare provider and I. But after her nap, she was playing outside with the daycare provider's son, and Elle became the star of "When Hula Hoops Attack."  The kids were both trying to do or get something, and the little boy and (his completely accidental use of) the hula hoop won. Elle is fine and doesn't seem to remember that she has a boo boo at all until someone else draws attention to it. Then she's Drama Queen Jr. and mournfully says "It huuurrrttttssss."

When we left the froyo place I couldn't tell
if people were staring at Elle's eye
or the smeared chocolate froyo around her mouth.

Attractive photo, no? And you should see the other guy.

Her day rounded out with another successful trip to the potty, but again, she's not thrilled about this - I think she just slightly prefers emptying her bladder in the appropriate place to peeing in her underwear. I'll take it. (I also got praise today: "Good job not peeing in your underwear, Mommy." Thanks, Elle. I try.)

It's no hula hoop to the eye, but I've been feeling the weight of the world lately, too. I've had a really rough stretch at work and have been waking up in the middle of the night dreaming about the jobs and products that are on my mind all day. I have a hard time remembering that I'm in my bed, trying to sleep peacefully. Then there's the continuing, constant nausea that I'm still waiting to lift (c'mon, kid). Potty training has been no walk in the park, and the first week especially was less than pleasant for me, as I am not the most patient person in the world, and Elle is one of the most stubborn people in the world. The last week or so has finally shown that we're making progress, so it's easier to deal with, but like many parenting challenges and toddler milestones, this has not been easy. Add to all of this some (vague alert) simultaneous uncertainty and potential excitement about our future, and you've got yourself a recipe for a pregnant woman's pending breakdown.

To stave off that breakdown, I had high hopes of going out for a family ice cream night on Wednesday. But a certain toddler of the house didn't eat her dinner and then didn't behave at the mall (where we were getting the shoes that created the "two left shoes of slightly different sizes" issue), so Mommy suffered and went without ice cream. I *might* have whined to Tim about this a few times. But today, even before I found out about the hula hoop injury, I had decided that Elle and I deserved to go out for a special treat while Tim was at work. I think I was more excited about it than she was at first, but she was in heaven as I let her pick out toppings for her froyo and "take big bites" all by herself (against my better judgement).

It was fun. It was necessary. And she more than deserved it. (Baby Bean appreciated it, too.) But hopefully tomorrow is less eventful.

Merry Christmas!

Today was not the kind of Christmas one wishes and hopes for. Elle has been battling a cold for the last two days, and last night, the coughing kept her - and us - up from about 1:30 a.m. until 4 a.m. We woke this morning and opened gifts amid swipes of a tissue under her nose or trips to the bathroom to wash snot off her hands. I cringed repeatedly as she opened toys with numerous small pieces and breathed, coughed or sneezed all over them, but for the most part, she was in decent spirits and loved all of her gifts, so that was a good thing. (I have no idea how to disinfect my entire home to prevent Tim and I from getting sick, but I at least know that the iPad needs to be bathed in bleach after the germs it was exposed to by a certain toddler.) 

Our poor baby :(

In the sake of the holiday spirit, I tried to contain my sleep-deprived crankiness, but it teamed up with a dose of "this is not how I imagined things," and I was not exactly the happiest camper all morning. A quick nap and some cuddles with Elle helped things, and although she's still dealing with a nasty cough, she got to FaceTime with both sides of our families and play with lots of her gifts. We had plans to go to a local aquarium with friends of ours this afternoon - Tim and my friend's husband work at local newspapers and were both scheduled to work today - but we canceled because of the illness and kept things low key. We went for a short walk around our complex instead, and Elle skipped and told me she was a horse, then a shark, then played hide and seek with me without actually hiding (she kept telling me "Can you count to three?" and "Can you say 'Ready or not here I come?'" and would just walk ahead of me), so we rolled with it. I still never quite believe it is Christmas in Florida anyway - going outside in a t-shirt and shorts doesn't say "Christmas" like the majority of my winters in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Michigan, and for so many years I, like Tim, had to work on Christmas that it feels weird unless it doesn't. But I digress.

I was also torn by the whole "enjoy the moment or capture the moment" debate. Since a lot of the gifts came from hundreds of miles away, I wanted people to know that Elle had opened their present or show video of the act in progress, but I also wanted to take it all in as we went. (Many of the photos ended up with her in mid-cough, but still, I tried.) I feel like we learn something new on Christmas logistics every year, and hopefully sooner than later we'll have a system/procedure/approach perfected. Or not.

One of Elle's new toys. She's a BIG fan.

I also struggled with the pressure of getting Elle "enough," when she really "needs" so little and we have very little space to put all of the "stuff" that is so easy to accumulate. I saw photo after photo on Facebook and Instagram of huge gift piles, and I found myself comparing. But then I realized that I really don't care - Elle had a good Christmas, and if I try to keep up with everyone I'll a) drive myself crazy, b) run out of space, fast and c) go bankrupt. Elle doesn't know if other kids get more or less than her. She's so young and really didn't in to the commercial hype of Christmas yet, I figure we should take advantage of that for as long as possible. She wasn't pacing around the mail box for the Toys 'R Us catalog or leaving messages all over the condo with list upon list of things she wanted for Christmas, and for that, I'm grateful. I know that day could happen soon enough. I've tried to focus on giving this season - to others who have less than us or those who might need more than us - and hope to instill that in our children as well. And while I didn't "do" as much with Elle as I had hoped this holiday season, I am cutting myself slack and know that to her, it was the bomb and she can't believe that all of these presents just showed up under the tree for her (and hey, there's always next year to earn Christmas Parent of the Year).

Enough holiday rambling, let's get to videos of the cute kid (because I need to hit the hay in case there's a sleep repeat of last night) - happy holidays, everyone! Hope you and yours (weren't near my kid's germs and) had a great holiday!

Revisiting cloth diapering

Although I would love it if Elle would show interest in potty training, I've got to say I'm still in love with our cloth diapers.

It's been a while since I last blogged about cloth diapers, and while cloth diapering can seem overwhelming in the beginning, I feel like it's super easy now and I'm so, so glad we've done it.

Elle is in daycare about 22 hours a week. She's in disposables during that time, but at home, we're still cloth diapering. Two of our sitters (for date nights, meetings, etc.) cloth diaper Elle, too.

Over the last two years, I've learned a lot about cloth diapering. I know for a fact that I prefer snaps to aplix. Hemp inserts are pretty much the bomb. I have been fortunate to have had a good washing routine for the majority of the time. Any stink and build up I've encountered seems to have been fixed fairly easily in the grand scheme of things. I've learned about diaper creams and CD detergents. I've added to my stash slowly as well as sold some of the diapers that just didn't work for us. I've got a washing and drying routine down, I have favorite brands and styles, I've got a night-time diaper perfected for us.

While some cloth diaperers continue to add to their stash because the diapers are super cute and there are frequent sales, I think I'm finally at a point where our arsenal is complete. Many people say this is where the cost effectiveness of cloth diapering is negated, but I tried not to go overboard, and I haven't purchased new diapers in months. I've been mindful to buy gender neutral colors and patterns (except the pink polka dots below because they were the right price and too cute to pass up) so that if we ever have a boy he won't be stuck in pink and purple diapers, too.

Now that Elle is older, we prefer pocket diapers to our initial prefold+cover system - Tim actually refuses to use the prefolds now, but I'll often grab them because they're super easy, and because they are so affordable, we have the most of them.

This photo of Elle is from when she was about 7? 8? months old.
She's wearing a prefold with a cow cover.

It's pretty cool to be part of the "fluff" community - there are so many resources online for parents who cloth diaper. When I have questions (like "why do my diapers suddenly smell like they're not clean even though I just took them out of the washer?"), there is a forum waiting to help me. The responses are not one-size-fit-all, but the options and suggestions have led me to answers that work for us. I've been introduced to products that have worked miracles for our diapers and been alerted to issues to avoid as well as sales to take advantage of. Really, I can't say enough about the cloth diapering community - there are some amazing and valuable resources out there, and trust me, I take full advantage of them!

One other thing I adore is the versatility. Here is Elle in the same diaper:

I think this was circa December 2010 - Elle was about four months old.

July 2012 - almost two years old and it still fits great!

I know cloth diapering isn't for everyone, but I'm glad we did it and look forward to using the diapers on future kidlet(s) to make a good investment even better - after more than two years using many of the same diapers, they're in great shape. There are definitely some days or times when we grab a disposable just because it is convenient, and when we travel we definitely use disposables because I don't want to deal with diaper laundry on the road. I don't beat myself up for the times that she's got a disposable on, but I do love knowing that each time we use a cloth diaper we're saving cash, saving landfill space and it is good for Elle's bum, too.

Random randomness

Since I know you didn't get enough randomness from me here, I give you a collection of some of the thought-snippets that have been floating around my head recently:

Kevin Bacon what?: Ever think of how incestuous the blogging community is? Like, instead of six degrees of separation it's 1.5 comments of separation. I'm turned in to quite the blog-reading addict. I get transfixed, absorbed, as I read the stories of others. Then I click back. Then I click on comments and click on THOSE blogs. Rinse, repeat. It's vicious.

Super size me: Gerber baby onesies run suppppeeeerrr small in my opinion. Elle was able to wear the newborn ones once, and since then, I haven't even tried except putting her in 24M onesies this past week. They fit her excellently, which is sad considering she's not even nine months old yet.

Gerber onesie in question.

A rose by any other name: Any one else have several nicknames used by specific people? I've been sending a bunch of e-mails to family members lately. My mom, sister and youngest brother usually call me "Bug." (Short version of the story: I've always been a pest but "Bug" sounded cuter than "Pest" or "Nuisance.") My dad and other brother call me Kris. So when I send an e-mail to my mom and dad, I sign it "Bug/Kris." Sometimes I have to pause a minute and remember who I am e-mailing before I sign it. Weird? Maybe.

Squeaky clean: There were some comments on my cloth diaper post (whheeeeeeeee, Earth Day!) about  natural/homemade cleaners. I'm planning to switch over to a lot of these, mostly to eliminate chemicals but also to save money, as we run out of the cleaners we currently have. I've been doing research, and some of the best information I've found is on one of the coolest blogs I recently discovered, Young House Love. They have posts about unexpected natural cleaners as well as a plethora of recipes for all natural, homemade cleaners.

Guess who has two thumbs and a pregnancy mask?: This guy. Er, girl. I found a new, small mole on my face about a month ago, and I realized I hadn't been to the dermatologist in two or three years. I'd gotten married, moved, changed insurance and then was pregnant during that time, so an annual check kind of slipped through the cracks. I made an appointment after finding the mole, though, and my new doctor deemed me without worrisome spots but "mole-y." As in "mole-y enough to require yearly checks." Plus, this is Florida, y'all. (And I never SAY "y'all," my fingers just itched to type it.) We have sun coming out of our ears. Usually I'm not in it a lot, because I hate, hate, hate being hot and sweaty, but in the "winter," outside is the best place to be. At my appointment, I also brought up the pregnancy mask (that I self-diagnosed around week 36 of pregnancy) on my forehead, which seemed to be returning/getting darker in the last two months or so. (Coincidentally, about as long as I'd been seriously training for the half-marathon relay with my sister.)

The doctor said, "Oh yes, I see some on your forehead, cheeks and chin." WHAT?! I hadn't even realized it was anywhere other than my forehead. But after I looked more closely, I could definitely see it on my cheeks - it had been camouflaged by freckles, age spots (because I am approaching ancient) and general face-flushedness. The chin I'm not so sure about, but holy geez, it's everywhere!

A decent look at the dark spots
near the center of my forehead.

She asked me how long ago I'd stopped nursing. "I still am," I said. She looked at me with a smile and said, "That's why. It's all about hormones and melatonin." Awesomesauce. Which means that it could take a few months after I stop breastfeeding to fade ... and if it doesn't fade on its own I can try some over-the-counter face creams ... and if those don't work I can try some prescription options ... but at that point I'll probably be gearing up to get pregnant again ... and will then breastfeed again .. and the whole cycle will continue. So get used to it, folks. This mask is likely here to stay (for at least the next few years, anyway).

Bright side? At least I'm set for Halloween.

Biceps of steel: Ever vacuum approximately 800 square feet of carpet with one arm because the other arm is holding the baby that is deathly afraid of the vacuum cleaner unless she's being held? I don't recommend it. She's getting better - last time I vacuumed she refused to look anywhere but over my shoulder. This time she actually watched. But I think I got more of a workout vacuuming our condo the other day than I did from my 3-mile run at the gym.

Beware of flying objects: I sometimes wonder if our childbirth education/safety instructors are the only people in the world who warn of attaching toys to car seats. Has anyone else heard this line of thinking? The women made very good points that we never would have considered: In the event of a car crash, those toys (and everything else in the car) become projectiles. I can tell you that my car is much cleaner on a regular basis now than it was pre-baby, just because I fear every empty soda can or random box could become a dangerous weapon if we were ever, God forbid, involved in a crash. We'll throw a toy on the car seat handle when Elle is in her stroller (her infant car seat snaps in to her Snap N Go stroller), but we always keep the bar of her seat empty and down when we're in motion. If anything, we might give her Sophie the Giraffe to play with, but usually, she's pretty toy-less. Luckily, she's content with that.

Protective father alert: I bought Elle some shorts and skirts a few weeks ago at the mall.  I showed Tim how cute they were, and he responded with "They're too short."

Teething is officially a jerk: My sweet baby has been hurting for the last few days, and on top of the tooth pain, she had some congestion going on. But the kicker to all of this is that Orajel had been my savior - I knew I could fix at least one thing by numbing Elle's gums temporarily. Then my sister e-mailed, and Facebook assaulted, on Tuesday with the news that  the active ingredient in gels like Orajel and Anbesol, benzocaine, can cause a serious and adverse reaction and should not be used in children under the age of two. TWO. Have any of you heard about this? I don't feel comfortable using the gels until we speak with our pediatrician - Elle's next well-baby visit is in two weeks - so until then, I wondered what we would do. She has teether toys and is good with those, but the frozen washcloth thing doesn't interest her AT ALL, and I'm most concerned with helping her when she's sleeping. She's been crying out during naps and at night, and I want to take away the ouchies. The only other teething remedy that came to mind was Hyland's teething tablets, and the only thing that I remembered about them was that they were recalled last fall. Conveniently enough, we had mommy/baby group on Wednesday, so I asked for advice then, and my good friend Lara suggested these homeopathic teething strips. They also have tablets that dissolve in water to make a slightly thicker serum to rub on the gums. I've been using the tablets, the sitter has been using the strips, Elle is loving them so far, and they both seem to be helping.

Pick a card, any card: Elle has been extra fussy and clingy lately. It's hard to isolate even a stab in the dark guess at the issue, but it could be her recent cold, those effin' teeth or maybe it's a bit of separation anxiety. Or maybe a combination of any of them. Or something else entirely. I cuddle, cuddle, cuddle, but I hate hearing her so sad and upset when I have to step away for 2.3 seconds.

A letter to my pre-mother self

Dear Kristin-Who-Has-Not-Yet-Had-A-Baby (circa 2009),

A few things to know as you prepare to travel down the road of parenthood:

You'll judge other parents (much like you judge those who pick Diet Pepsi over Diet Coke), but you will judge yourself hardest. And in the end, every parent does what they feel is best for their child, and you have to respect that. After all, it's what YOU do, too.

You'll be extremely passionate about choices made in regard to your child and your parenting.

You'll take more photos and videos than you ever imagined. AND you'll think everyone else cares about them as much as you do :)

You'll hear your husband talking baby talk to the cats more than before. And it will make you all warm and fuzzy.

You'll survive natural childbirth. (No, really. You will. You'll even joke about it six months later.) And the linea negra that you think will never go away? After almost seven months, it will start to fade.

You'll hug and squeeze your baby so hard you fear she'll burst - much like the love you feel is going to burst out of your heart. You'll physically hurt when you hear her cry. You'll kiss her face so much that your husband will tell you it's excessive (and you'll tell him he's wrong).

You'll melt for this smile.

You'll be stronger than you thought. More energized (except when you're not). More inventive. (Sometimes you'll rival MacGyver). More hopeful, and simultaneously more fearful.

You'll know your baby's looks, sounds and gestures like a second language.

You'll never be completely rested. Even when you're blessed with a baby who sleeps well at night early in life, the quality and quantity of your sleep will take a hit. And you'll be OK with that.

You'll doubt yourself. The doubts, fears and worries you have will constantly be replaced by new ones. The good news? The joys will also be constantly replaced by new ones.

You'll be impatient. OK, well, you'll remain impatient :)

You'll quickly forget the awe/mystery/discomfort of that seemingly endless pregnancy, and future months will speed by at lightning pace.

You'll learn that your marriage will be stronger - harder, and different, yes - but stronger, better and fuller.

You'll laugh - genuinely, often, and sometimes even at something that shouldn't be funny, like pouty lips with dramatic quivers. Or a startled jump at the noise of a flushing toilet.

You'll lie awake in the morning, not mourning the days when you slept in until noon, but delighting in the soft sounds of the babbles that are cuddled up next to you.

You'll constantly want
to squeeze these cheeks.

You'll officially know that poop after a baby starts solids really does smell a lot worse. You'll smell spit up while you're at work and not be able to figure out if it is somewhere on your sweater or crusted in your hair. When you get dressed in the morning, you'll do so with the understanding that this might just be the first of many outfits for the day.

You'll discover things through new eyes and ears, like the soft fur of a kitty who just happens to be parked on the changing table, or the odd sensation of water dribbling down your face while you're in the bath.

You'll  be uber productive when you get up early and don't nap. You'll avoid trips to Target simply because you don't feel like lugging the car seat around.

You'll sing and dance and do silly things, make silly noises and silly faces, even in public, just to stop tears, head off a meltdown or provoke a giggle.

You'll cherish the special moments more than you ever thought possible. The cuddles will be priceless. The smiles and laughs irreplaceable. The sheer joy in your 82-year-old grandmother's eyes as she meets a namesake will be unforgettable.

You'll tiptoe around when the baby falls asleep while running errands, holding your breath when you bring the car seat through the door, because everyone knows youneverwakeasleepingbaby.

You'll understand, finally, what everyone means when they say it's the "hardest thing you'll ever do, but the most rewarding." They aren't talking about pregnancy, nor labor. They're talking about this parenting thing: the fact that you're responsible for this life you've created - that every choice, from eating to sleeping to immunizing to clothing, is YOURS to make. And possibly screw up. And then ultimately recover (and learn) from.

You'll count your blessings.