The second time around: Anxieties and perspective

During my pregnancy with Elle (heck, even before we conceived), I feared labor and delivery, largely because of my history with the "incidents." I tried not to think about it too much, as I knew that the more I contemplated something that I'd inevitably face, the more I'd freak out about it. I knew that one way or another, that baby was going to get out of my belly, and I really had no option, aside from vaginal or Cesarean birth. My history with all things medical was part of the reason I feared the c-section that my doctor thought might need to happen (because as we tracked Elle's growth, she was full steam ahead until the very end) - and I didn't want to schedule a c-section from the beginning because that would give me that much more time to worry about it.

If it had to happen, I knew that it would happen and I would be fine. But I didn't want to KNOW about it much more than an hour before hand, if that makes any sense.

Luckily, I was able to deliver her without the surgery. I know that doesn't mean that same will automatically happen for Wesley, and even though I've been through it before, I'm still quite anxious about the whole thing. Overall, though, emotionally and mentally, I feel better about the final few weeks - while pregnant with Elle, the uncertainty of everything was enough to drive me mad. I didn't know how I'd go in to labor, when, etc. I was working more than an hour away from the hospital I planned to deliver at and had no definite end date at work, so each day toward the end of my pregnancy was kind of a crap shoot as to whether I would show up or be able to finish my shift. I didn't know if I'd be laboring in the hospital for hours on end before finally delivering - turns out, I was only in the hospital for about 30 hours total, arriving at triage at 7:30 a.m. on Saturday to being discharged around 2:30 p.m. on Sunday.

I remember the first contraction - knowing instantly that everyone was right when they said I would "know" that this was the real deal. I continued to have contractions that afternoon and then all night, twisting and turning and trying to get in the best position to handle them and knowing that *this* was it, that I'd be going to the hospital some time in the next few hours. It was early in the morning when we left for the hospital, and I figured I'd have plenty of time to update friends and family members that I was, indeed, in labor. That didn't happen, as things progressed much faster than we expected, and the first contact most people had from me was early in the afternoon - a text message with a photo of Elle announcing the time she was born.

I remember the pain of lying in the hospital bed with Pitocin - pushing, pushing, pushing, battling against the frustration of a sleepless night and a huge baby who didn't drop until the very end. Am I looking forward to doing that again? Hell no. But at least I know a) I have done it and survived and b) what to expect, at least partially. I think the fear of the unknown - how bad will it be? how long will it last? when will it happen? - was part of the worst of it last time, and knowing that my body handled things well the first time brings me peace of mind.

And now, I work about 20 minutes away from the hospital. The doctor has been laid back about my pregnancy the whole time, despite the fact that my baby could be large again. I have a definite end date at work - this Wednesday, a day 10 days before my due date. My biggest anxiety about the "circumstances" this time is what will happen with Elle when I go in to labor. We don't have any family in the area, and I really want Tim to be in the delivery room with me, so that means someone has to watch Elle. Luckily, we have about half a dozen close friends/babysitters, people who Elle would be comfortable with and delighted to have around, who have graciously agreed to be on-call for when Wesley decides to make his appearance. Having so many people ready and able to help us is a huge weight lifted, but I still worry about the details - what time will it happen? depending on how/when things start happening, who do we call first? who do we call second, third, etc.? will there be false alarms? will we cut it too close (I was only at the hospital to four hours before Elle arrived, and I have a feeling this delivery will progress just as fast if not faster)? Will Elle be able to stay at home, or will we drop her off somewhere to be watched while her world turns upside down?

Elle and Sid are obviously not as worried as I am about
what will happen when I go in to labor with Wesley.

I have to believe that things will work out - they actually worked out quite well with Elle's delivery, and even though the doctor started to discuss the possibility of an induction at my appointment this week, I'm still holding out hope that the forces of the universe will all come together and surprise me with some sort of seamless falling together. I'm trying not to focus too much on the thoughts of labor and delivery and instead just enjoy the "now," knowing that the rest is out of my control and things will work out one way or another. I have four or five friends who are all due within a few weeks of me, and two of them have already had their babies. It's definitely getting more real now. At this point in the game, I must admit that as far as pregnancy goes, there isn't much to worry about except for the labor and delivery part of things, but worrying about it won't help or change things, so I'm just savoring the massive belly movements, finishing up some projects around the house and looking forward to any extra time with Tim and Elle in the next few days.