Breastfeeding, round II

Going in to my second pregnancy, I had no doubt that I would breastfeed. I knew it might not be easy, but I'm stubborn and figured I'd hope for the best. I decided I'd aim for the one-year mark again and hoped to follow a course similar to my breastfeeding journey with Elle.

Within days of Wesley's birth, however, I wondered if I was putting too much pressure on myself (it would not be the first time, and I'll admit right now that breastfeeding Elle for 13 months is a huge source of pride for me - I was definitely holding myself to those same standards with Wesley). Between hormones and early latch issues, the first few weeks of his life included several moments of questioning my initial goals and receiving carefully worded "permission" from my OB to give up my assumption that Wesley would receive breast milk only for the first 12 months of his life. My OB stressed the benefits that just six weeks of exclusive nursing provided to both Wesley and I. Tim and I discussed the options. And I decided to continue nursing, with a mini-goal of three months, then four months, on my horizon. (FYI: It's much easier to think about pumping for a few months rather than put a heavy "YEAR" expectation on yourself.)

Nursing Wesley has definitely gotten easier with time. At first, his initially stellar latch turned to a shallow, painful latch that had me wincing with every feeding. After my milk came in, though, it got better and continued to improve. By the time he was about a month old, I wasn't experiencing pain every time he ate, and his growth indicated that he was definitely getting enough milk.

"When's dinner, Ma?"

At about that same time, we introduced the bottle, which meant that I started pumping again. During those first few weeks, I pumped once, during the morning, on days that I had time to fit a pumping session in between his meals. It took two or three tries, but he eventually took to the bottle with no problem, and we established a good idea of how much he needed in each bottle (3-4 ounces at the time, which is now a definitive 4-preferably-4.5 ounces). I was able to freeze a small amount of milk, and when I returned to work, I planned to nurse whenever possible, pumping twice while at the office and pray that I could keep up with his demands.

Things in general are waaayyyy different this time around. When I was nursing Elle, I left for work around 3 p.m. and returned home around 1 a.m. I was lucky to be able to actually nurse her for almost every feeding except usually two, which meant I only needed to leave two bottles. I ended up with more frozen milk than I needed, and I was able to donate more than 400 ounces to other mothers in need of breast milk for their little ones. I pumped twice a day - once during my shift and once on my drive home (yes, I had quite a hook up that allowed me to pump hands-free while I drove safely, haha).

This recent photo of Elle is just to show that she's a stellar eater.

This time, I leave for work by 8 a.m. and leave at 5 p.m. I miss 3-4 feedings, so I'm trying to supply 3-4 bottles on any given day. While my supply is decent, it's still a challenge to keep up with demand. I take two pump breaks, usually one around 10:30 and the other around 2:30 p.m. Initially, I was getting just enough to keep up with Wesley's needs. But now I'm definitely short and almost always need another pump session before I go to bed to make sure he has enough for the next day. I try to freeze any extra milk that I have, but for the last several weeks, there hasn't been any extra to speak of. Things at work are getting busier, and it's getting harder for me to take the breaks - it's stressing me out to try to make sure I "schedule" them in.

I know I complained about my "pumping prison" when I nursed Elle, but that was a much better situation than my current scenario. My company is much smaller, in both number of employees and physical space. There is no place for me to pump except my car. So twice a day, I haul my stuff out to the car, pump and bring it all back inside to stow in a crowded, public fridge.

The pumping is obviously the worst part of breastfeeding right now - very annoying, time consuming, mechanical. But the actual nursing is something I will always treasure. From cuddling in the morning to taking a few minutes to sit down with the kids after a long day at work, I am the food source, but it is such an emotional experience.

Wesley is a physical eater - when he's nursing or even taking a bottle, his hands are always moving. He sometimes scratches his head, sometimes strokes your arm or - my favorite - finds and holds your fingers. As a second child, he's sometimes had to wait for a meal - he often melts down as I'm getting Elle out of the bath and just. wants. his. milk. When Elle had those moments of wanting milk NOW and having to wait, she would nurse furiously, glaring at me as tears dried in the corners of her eyes. Her reaction then is definitely an early indication of her dynamic personality today. Wesley, on the other hand. sinks in to an instant state of relaxation and relief. His eyes look grateful as he nurses, thankful that his needs were finally met. He'll often nurse to sleep at this point, likely out of pure physical and emotional exhaustion. While I'm not pleased that he gets to that point while I'm attending to Elle's needs, the balancing act often peaks with his bedtime nursing session, and it's definitely a notable one for me.

I memorized little crinkles in his ear during our first nursing sessions. I've since seen those newborn marks fade. I've stroked his hair - first short and dark blond, now longer, fluffy and light - during our nursing sessions. I've observed over and over as he has latched in the dark and gone right back to sleep during the early morning meals. I've soothed him. I've been burped and farted on, covered in spit up and kicked, scratched and pinched. While not always pleasant, the nursing sessions have always been educational and memorable.  

The nursing gymnastics have begun.
Personal space is fair game.

For personal and medical reasons (mine, not Wesley's!), as of this week I'm cutting back on the pumping sessions. Since I won't be producing as much milk, we'll be supplementing with formula. We gave him his first bottle of formula today - a day after he turned six months old. I know "feeding your baby is feeding your baby," but it's been an extremely emotional decision for me. I'm pretty passionate about breastfeeding - I will defend your right to breastfeed, support your efforts in breastfeed, encourage you to continue breastfeeding. I will sympathize with you as you nurse a teething baby, nod my head understandingly as you relate the perils of nursing a distracted and energetic infant and know exactly what you mean when you say the only thing that seemed to comfort your baby was nursing ... and nursing ... and nursing. I have loved it (not every minute of it, haha, but overall!) and hope to continue nursing Wesley for at least a few more months.

The decision was mine to make, but it's been hard to come terms with for multiple reasons. Regardless of the emotion involved, I've been contemplating introducing formula for months. I was intimidated, too, having absolutely no experience with formula, and I grilled our pediatrician at Wesley's last appointment, going over all kinds of "formula newbie" questions with her to prepare for when the time would come. I finally decided to make it to six months with exclusive breastmilk for several reasons (including all of the benefits both he and I have gotten and will have), because I knew it was a milestone for benefits, I knew it was an attainable goal and I didn't want to wait too long to introduce formula for fear of him rejecting it. (Elle was such a breast milk baby that she never took to any other milk form, and while I don't think that was an awful thing, it definitely played a role in my thought process). It's the same reason we introduced a bottle with both kids within the first few weeks, and thankfully, after six months of breast milk only, the kid hesitantly took the formula. Tim said he wasn't too thrilled about it at first and slowly drank two ounces but then sucked down another two ounces fairly quickly. I can only hope that the next few days go as smoothly and he continues cooperating.

Bananas are pretty funny.

We're also introducing solids (via Baby Led Weaning) at the same time - last night he sat with us at the dinner table in the high chair for the first time and played with some banana with his tiny, chubby hands. He wasn't too interested in eating any actual banana pieces, but he seemed to like his banana-flavored thumbs. He's been extremely interested in our plates and food for the last month and a half, and I'm excited to see how things go as he explores new textures and flavors.